Saturday, January 23, 2010
This wayback machine needs better airbags.

So I just learned that two bloggers have died that I read when I first started getting into the community back in early 2000. Going through the MetaFilter comments put me right back to '00. All the people I read and left comments were there. It was a trip down memory lane, but not for the right reasons. It made me sad, ya'll. And very, very nostalgic. We've grown up. Our lives are different - our words are different. It feels like a lifetime ago, and when I look back at who I was then, it really, really was.

RIP Brad. And belated RIP Leslie. I was a fan of both of you, and while I never met either of you, I know we've shared a thread or two in these halls. You have my respect.


Friday, December 04, 2009
So it goes

I am the lamest 'blogger' ever. I am so passive-aggressive about this place, that it's hard for me sometimes to just get it all out already without feeling like I'm yelling into a void. Don't get me wrong - as much as I'm glad all three of you visit, this is completely about me. I write here to chronicle the bullshit and the triumphs and the tragedies and the humdrum. I do this because as free as I speak to everyone about everything, there's a whole lot of shit I can't say. Unfortunately these days I've become a damn champion of bottling it all up and just. not. dealing.

Yes, I know. That's crap.

I vent and I vent but not to the people who I should be and not about the things that effect me the most. Why? I have no idea.

I fear success nearly as much as I fear failure, and either fear further scares me shitless. I allow myself this narrow path of morality and pure free will and neither gets me anywhere but posting the few words that dribble out onto this place.

I either have to shit or get off the pot, as my parents said. This place included. I want to be all 100% here. I want to wake up in the mornings before my full-time job (I have a part time and freelance as well) and type something witty and thought-provoking and so trite that people actually give a damn. Unfortunately, as much as I really appreciate all of you who I've read for the past 10 plus years (SERIOUSLY) and as much as I want to hug you all and have coffee with you and play with your kids/families/animals.... this is still just my shit. As much as I throw it all out there it isn't doing me any good anymore either. I need to shit or not - and I cant seem to figure out which is more beneficial....

Anyway - ignore my "I'll be back" crap. I have to get all the cobwebs out of the head before I can function here as anything worth a damn. I mean, shit - this place depresses even me.

I'm ok, for real. Just dealing with some inner demons that haven't poked their heads out in awhile. I'm really, really fine, just needing to say some things in actuality and not just duck and cover.

But really - the small handful of people who come here on purpose - you kids are the shit. I mean that. I've been in this place for 8 years officially, but elsewhere for longer than that, and anyone who can put up with me that long deserves some sort of medal. Really.


Sunday, November 01, 2009
Let's Not Do The Time Warp Again

Is it 1998? Because in my head, for whatever reason, as far as I've come emotionally, mentally, physically etc. since 1998, a small part of this is making my brain do the exact. same. thing.


Part of me has come so far. The other part hasn't budged an inch. It's that part that deserves to have its dependent, spineless, non-confident ass kicked.

Ugh. I thought this was a good idea to open up this bag of worms. I still don't think it's a bad idea - it's a new development in an ongoing situation - but I thought the part of me that couldn't handle it had grown up. poo.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Did I tell you that I joined a gym? And I actually go?

Did I mention that this year I ran my first 5K? And another in a couple weeks?

What about when I went to Portland and Seattle, or the time we tailgated the Star Trek movie, or the one about me finding my best friend from high school and reigniting our fantastic friendship.

Oh, I didn't?

See what happens when I slack off? Well - I'll remedy that for sure. No more of this woe is me shit - I mean it. I healed from this one very quickly (2 days!) and now it's onward and upward.


Sunday, October 11, 2009
Things that scare the shit out of me
  • Clowns
  • Horror movies
  • Missed periods (in general, not recently)
  • Dolls - china, bisque etc.
  • Growing old without someone to drink whiskey with and sometimes have really dirty sex with, who also gave me babies and a lot of patience
Seriously. WTF universe? I mean, I do absolutely fine on my own and I've never, ever been one of those girls to need a boyfriend. And really, all the 'milestones' I'll do alone if I have to, but the thought of NEVER actually settling down puts the fear deep in me. I'm so not rushing, but where the hell is someone I can actually go long term with? SHEESH. Don't MAKE me come up there, universe. You are starting to get me all punchy.


Saturday, October 10, 2009
Stranger than non-fiction.

Things I feel bad about:
  • Letting myself be unhappy for that long
  • Fooling myself into believing I could pretend it away
  • Falling (pretty much) in love with someone who was not right for me
  • Knowing awhile that it was only a matter of time, and not telling him
  • Hurting his feelings even though he hurt mine many times

Things I don't feel bad about:
  • Feeling like I have my life back
  • Being excited for this winter that I've been dreading for months
  • Spending part of the day every day doing something that makes me happy
  • Taking a stand and ending it before it got really bad
  • Sharing responsibility for a breakup that was, in fact, based on his actions and his alone
  • Asking for my key back when he'd only had it less than two weeks
  • Starting my life again
  • Hurting his feelings as he'd hurt mine many times


Monday, October 05, 2009
I never thought I'd say this

But that new show Community makes me want to go back to college.

For the record, I have attended 3 different colleges, earned 2 different degrees, and have spent not only about 7-8 years as a college student, but I am now about 55k in the hole.

Yet another great idea.


Saturday, October 03, 2009
The more things change the more they stay the same

I ended it. Well, mostly. He wants me to take some time to make sure I really want to do this.

We sobbed. I apologized. He begged, pleaded. Today I hurt more than I've hurt in a long time, but I know the path. I had to have a big hurt to lead to happy instead of slowly hurting worse and worse.

I ended it to save myself.

I am not a fighter. I am not a teacher. I am not void of feeling.

I feel this. It cuts down to my core and turns and twists with knives and fists. This hurt me. It hurt me to hurt him.

Part of me wishes I'd just carried on unhappy because then, at least, he'd still be around. I miss him already. A year of knowing him is hard and now not knowing him - it's harder than I imagined. The other part of me, the smart part, knows how this would've been bad for me and never would've worked.

Who knew - this thing so huge and wonderful and explosive would do this. Who knew that I would end up hurting him when I thought I would be with him forever?

My face is swollen, my body exhausted, my heart cold and dead. I had a rough night, but hopefully this huge hurt leads me back to happy.


Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Rough Roads, Falling Rocks

This weekend was supposed to be fantastic. It was supposed to be Part 2 of what was a wonderful trip into hilarity last year. It wasn't.

It was full of anger and resentment and irritation and silence. Well, for most of it. Thank god we work things out the way we do or there may not be a 'we' anymore.

I take the blame for a lot of the aftermath - I was angry and quiet and frankly didn't give a shit. The cause though was all his, or all due to his planning, which never goes the way it's supposed to. I should've been more understanding, but when it's my money and my vacation time WITH that person in jeopardy, I may not be so nice.

All I can say is that it took a good solid bike ride, a fantastic breakfast, and some extreme patience (his) to make it better. He's a great guy, but really, the boy needs to think a little more sometimes about cause and effect.


Sunday, July 26, 2009
Too Much Sometimes

Is it weird that even though I don't think we (he) are ready to cohabitate, that part of me feels this overwhelming NEED to, for the sole purpose of increased relationship efficiency? Do you know how much time and planning it would save to be able to pack and leave from ONE place? How we could do our mundane tasks WHILE spending time with each other - like dishes and laundry? How we could have a place for OUR camping stuff, without duplicates?

MAN. I know he's nowhere near ready (he says we'll think about next year), but I've done it before and long to have the distance part of the relationship done and over.

Oh, and in other news, I ran a 5K yesterday. Well, ran parts of it, but still. Look back in my archives - I'm no runner. May try to cram in another couple this year and shooting for a duathalon or triathalon in the next couple years. Not to place (not a fast girl at all), but just to DO.