Friday, November 30, 2001
I will update soon. Just let me get well first...

I do wish to comment, though, that I really enjoy the fact that those of you who I read have been stopping in here and leaving a comment here and there. It makes me happy to think that you all may read me from time to time.

Anyway, back to sick pity...


Thursday, November 22, 2001
You know, I think I needed that moment of weakness to keep myself in check. I feel good. I feel happy. I can't stop listening to Billy Pilgrim...heh. It's weird. The boy got me into them, but when I listen to their songs, I feel no attachment between the two.


I am not going to be around for the next couple days, but I will tell you about it later. Trust me, this one is good.

Bring on the turkey!


Wednesday, November 21, 2001
I spent much of today crying. Not because I still want him or need him or anything like that. But because we had something amazing, something (when it was right) was so unbelievably right that nothing seemed to matter. To think that I'm nearly 26 and cant seem to find anyone that is truly right is really hard to think about. I really enjoy being single, but I really miss the little companionship benefits that come with giving your time/heart/love to someone.

Anyway... My mom hasn't heard yet that I got that email... she and I have been discussing my take on the whole situation for a long time, and she is very protective of me and my feelings.

In a strange coincidence, she sent this in a forwarded email:

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.



Tuesday, November 20, 2001
I was reading Jay's words this morning and made a strange parallel with my life. (I left my mark.) And then I get an email from the boy. I will refrain from posting parts or any of it directly, as it is very personal to me. However, I will say what I feel about it...


It is strange now. it is all strange. I had been so strong, hiding my pain behind a wall of anger. Well, asshole, you just tore that wall down. Now I actually have to come to terms with the hurt and the sadness and the missing you sometimes. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be that girl that you can hurt and hurt and she keeps falling and falling. I will not be that girl anymore. But you took away my anger. The crying and the sadness, much of it has been forgiven. The nerve of you. Telling me to be the adult, when all this time we were both just mere children wrapped up in the arms of something too big and too distant for the both of us. I knew what I was doing when I made those bad decisions. I knew it would hurt you. me. us. but I had to. It was the only way I could turn around and shut the door and not worry about how many locks it will take to keep you out. To keep me from crying anymore. You tell me now that you loved me. You tell me after I have fallen in and out and up and down. You tell me it wasn't fair to tell me.

It wasn't fair not to.

I cried today. You made me. You and your words that you could never say. I told myself you would never make me cry again. I told myself that you had your chance and you took it: your chance to make me afraid and sad and everything I shouldn't be.Yet, here I am again. Past the love and past the hurt, but still crying because you too had so much to say and never did. I never did. It saddens me to think that two people who had so much, did so very little.

I'm sorry.


How cute is he?

My sister makes the cutest babies.


Monday, November 19, 2001
Things I was heard saying today:

- That damn ugly dog was totally worth two dollars.

- My default Portland is Oregon.

- Business in the front, party in the rear.

- The gym? Yeah, I'd totally go, except for the fact that I'm really lazy.

- I took two years of German in high school, and all I remember is "Which way to the bathroom?", "I like to play chess." and "My fish sandwich is cold.".

- I'm indecisive and I can't decide.

- So, it's like you are smuggling tiny gorillas in the back of your pants.

Yeah, worst part is, I said one of these to myself. And, apparantly I say "totally" too much.


Thursday, November 15, 2001
Wednesday, November 14, 2001
is temporarily closed, due to exceedingly high traffic.
The moose out front should have told you.

Please check back later today."

Wow. Very cool indeed.


I am a bit concerned. Not of the effects of Sept 11 on my holiday flights, but things like this. In other words, it isn't the terrorism fear, it's the thought of completely random accidents...


It appears that I have a running theme - animals with issues.

Damn you Jim, damn you for showing me this.
(As if it wasn't spooky enough, he then told me to turn up my sound...)


Does the tongue confuse you too? My brain tells me that this critter is real, but at times, it looks stuffed... also, I keep going back and forth... is it cute or just silly?


As I get older, I realize my nuances. Certain things that I have come to terms with, and can finally actually admit to in mixed company.

I am terribly afraid of the dark.

Every night, I have a system. My father's door remains shut (that way I can hear it if it opens). I go around the house, turning on my light first, and then the rest off in order based on farthest from my room next. The last light, as it is ALWAYS last because it is closest, I switch frantically and bee-line the last 10 feet as fast as I can. I run through my door, and whip around, locking it behind me. Once I am inside, I have to close my closet doors. Then, I am safe. Lying down, I wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness before I can fall asleep.

Creepy, eh? I do this religiously every night that I am alone in this house. Every night I run to my room in the dark like a freak, scared out of my mind, and slam the door behind me. What am I afraid of? Murderers I think, but not certain. I have this mental image that if I actually look out into the dark, I will see them looking back at me. Even typing this I'm getting all spooked and prepared for an extra fast sprint tonight. It's completely inconsistant too. In my apartment with Sarah, I had to sleep with the door closed, but if I got up in the night, I was fine. In my mom's house, even when everyone was there asleep, I would RUN as fast as I could after turning off the hall light. Here, I'm completely alone 6 months out of the year, and only half the house is used. Add to that the fact that I work most nights, so I come home to a house that has stood empty a good part of the day. [Note that I am VERY creeped out right now - I keep checking behind my back... I can't help but laugh at myself for being so paranoid, but I am honestly really afraid...] The movie Blair Witch? Scared the SHIT outta me. My friend Greg had to sleep in my bed that night, and a nightlight was definately in order.

I have no idea what brought this fear on, but at (nearly) 26, you'd think rational thought would tell me the improbability of a boogeyman in my house. Well, it's like this: if you sleep over in my room, prepare to have the door closed. I won't do that hysterical running thing, but I simply cannot sleep with the door open, or even unlocked. However, the running thing is pretty funny...


Monday, November 12, 2001
Guess who is feeling silly?

No really, guess!


My comments should work now. If they don't, holler here.



Yes, I know, my comments are unusable... Hopefully I can get that fixed within the next couple of days. We shall see...


I woke up this morning to find a big flag in my yard. Not one of those mamby-pamby free ones either - it was a good 4x3, 6 foot pole, HUGE flag. It apparantly had appeared sometime after 2 this morning, and left no trace of who put it there. Erect in the middle of my front yard. I didn't dare take it down, as it may have been a gift from the neighbors, but isn't this violating some code somewhere?? So, there it stood. At 5 pm, one of my dad's friends rode up in a golf cart, took it, and drove away.


Sunday, November 11, 2001
So I've only been blogging for about 4 months now, yet I scored a 64% on that quiz that everyone's talking about. I'm either off to an incredible start, or pathetic as hell. This could go either way...


Saturday, November 10, 2001
Let it be noted: I don't know what the hell I'm doing with the comments... they don't seem to work and I cant seem to will them to...

I swear - I learn more html this way...


Trying to work out a comments system... it sucks thusfar, but I'm too tired to piss and moan too much.

Thanks Bill for the url. :o)


Friday, November 09, 2001
Oh, and another thing. Something to add to my ranting...

Lighting up a crackpipe while trying to steer makes your driving ability unreliable and non-existant.

Yes, I saw this on my way home. Indeed.


Are bank call-center employees supposed to be heavy breathers?


Thursday, November 08, 2001
good god - I just noticed how much I'm missing here. I'll get the gaps filled. Really I will.


Mystery solved.

No matter where I shop, whether it is at the grocery store or at a department store, on nearly every trip (I have witnesses - heh) I get mistaken for an employee. Up until last night, it had completely baffled me...

I came home from work to get my credit card and change out of my video gear. I put on my RED SHIRT! and headed to Target.

It's my own fault. I see it so clearly now. You'd think I was an idiot on purpose... apparantly I'm just blessed.


Tuesday, November 06, 2001
Sunday, November 04, 2001
So, I am looking for a good comments system to add to this. Partly because vanity wants to insure me that people are out there who read this thing, even though I started it for my own selfish purposes. Secondly, I like to listen, and hear what YOU have to say about things. My opinion is my opinion and nothing more (although if we ever get in an argument, my opinion becomes indisputable fact - remember that.) As I was saying, my opinion is my opinion. It could be very far-fetched and seriously screwed up, and sometimes nothing makes me feel better than someone to debate with. So, I want your words here too.

I would just code one myself but I am a.) lazy and b.) still learning. If anyone knows a good place to get a comments system, let me know. Thank you.


I've been lazy...

Everything is well though. Starting to really get a good sense of myself and who I really am and how I really feel. I love Arizona. I'm homesick and lonely and uprooted and unsettled... but I love it here. I need to be here right now, I can feel it in my bones. Loneliness will pass. I will get settled once I move out of dad's house and get my own place again. I am attending the block party here in a couple weeks, in the "Active Adult Community". Sure, my neighbors are ALL retired and older, but they are really nice, good people who look out for me. I feel like family here. It is good to feel some sense of belonging when you are so far away from everyone and everything.

Life is good right now. I am really learning to fit into my skin. (Don't get me wrong - I have ALWAYS fit in my skin, if nowhere else, but lately, I really enjoy being me...)

DEAR GOD - I have to go change the channel. Hearing Scott Bakula say "vulcan" was too much for me.


Thursday, November 01, 2001
Things I see on the Daily Gridlock Experience 2001:

Gallagher haircuts
nose pickers
a large section of the elderly population
moron drivers...

Speaking of which... a couple of demands if I may:

1. If you INSIST upon driving in the fast lane, remember WHY it is called the fast lane.
2. During gridlock, the key is to not actually stop, just take your foot off the gas. If everyone coasts a bit, then we don't have to sit still for 5 minutes IN THE FAST LANE.
3. Reading? NOT ALLOWED.
4. Cell phones? DONT MAKE ME REAR END YOU.
5. For the moron who drove in front of me today: brake riding will destroy your car. if not, i will.
6. There is NO NEED to leave 2 car lengths in front of you when we are going less than 5 mph. really. it will just make me ride your ass.
7. If you didn't get your makeup on before you left the house, it's TOO LATE.
8. If you are old enough to remember when Henry Ford was BORN, please, step away from the car.

Ok, ok... that was WAY more than a couple, but these people out here really have no idea what they are doing. It's really bad.

Otherwise, today rocks. I shall add more later. For now, I've said enough.