Friday, May 31, 2002
Thursday, May 30, 2002
 
Bring it!

Here's today in a nutshell (and I'm actually enjoying it):
1. 8:00 a.m. - Get brakes replaced for $287.07.
2. 10:00 a.m. - Find out that the apartment I wanted had gone from $425/mo. to $520/mo. just two days ago.
3. 11:00 a.m. - Get credit report ($11.90). Find out there is a mysterious $180 DELIQUENT account opened 9/00 and closed 10/00 that I know nothing about, and can't get in touch with anyone who does.
4. 12:00 noon - Find out that I worked less hours than I thought, so paycheck will be smaller.
5. 12:30 p.m. - Fill up gas tank (which was QUITE dry) for $13.

Total cost today = $311.87, no apartment, terrible credit and a paycheck that will actually come out to less than nothing.
Mood = actually I am in a GREAT mood. This is a very, very good sign.

woo!



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Wednesday, May 29, 2002
 
30 Minutes left and still at 31 dollars for a futon frame.

Angie: 1
Wednesday: 2



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Raging sleep-deprivation + too much coffee = Tired with a twitch.

Angie: 0
Wednesday: 2

(I will note that the day hasn't defeated me yet. I finished my 5 page myth. That's right, I FINISHED something. Yeah! I also got the garbage out. There are watered plants, also.)



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Crap.

I decided that I should go to bed somewhere around 3 and just try again. I was awake until nearly 4, and I had to wake up now to do homework before work.

Someone shoot me.

Angie: 0
Wednesday: 1



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blah. grr.

You are so moody sometimes.



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I can't sleep. No, seriously. I went to bed for a good hour before I gave up and decided to actually be productive.

So, I wake up and search online to get a price on futon mattresses for when I get my apartment here in a month or so. Get this: I found a frame on Ebay that is IN MY CITY. It's like I was supposed to find it.

Kick ass.

(Yes, I am aware that decent futon mattresses aren't cheap, but an oak frame for 30 bucks that I won't have to drive all over for? Rock. Only trouble... I drive a Honda. Anyone wanna drive me in their truck?)



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I'm a math dork too, for those of you who can't imagine me being any more lame than I already am.

I get math. Period. I am logically and numerically enhanced, and I just get it (and by "it" I mean math, not lucky).

I'm going to go watch Pi again, if you don't mind.



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Tuesday, May 28, 2002
 
Brain vs Brawn?

I'll take brain any day. I've dated "good-looking", but give me smart and we may have something.

*If you play Trivial Pursuit, you are so in.



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Thought for the day:

I miss dancing in the rain.



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Good morning, sunshines.

I haven't quite woken up yet, so I'm still deliriously goofy.

However, I feel like making some Toast au Francais and a cup of tea.
Anyone like to join me? (I'll make enough for two)



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This Wednesday, May 29th, marks the 5 year anniversary of the death of Jeff Buckley.
For those of you who don't own the album "Grace", I suggest picking it up in the near future. It is possibly the best album I own.

~
Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water And maybe I'm too young To keep good love from going wrong But tonight you're on my mind so (you'll never know) I'm broken down and hungry for your love With no way to feed it Where are you tonight? Child, you know how too much I need it Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run Sometimes a man gets carried away When he feels like he should be having his fun And much too blind to see the damage he's done Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really, He has no one... So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn Will I ever see your sweet return, oh, or will I ever learn Lover, you should've come over Cause its not too late. Lonely is the room the bed is made The open window lets the rain in Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I sleep so soft against her... It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter It's never over, she is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong Oh... Lover you should've come over... 'cause it's not too late...

Jeff Buckley, "Lover, You Should've Come Over"



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Monday, May 27, 2002
 
I can never finish anything.

I think that has been my trouble with homework, relationships, housecleaning, etc. Perfect example: today I spent a bit of the morning cleaning the house. Well, starting to clean the house. The dishwasher is empty save the silverware, it's reloaded except for a small pile in the sink, the vacuuming is near completion, my bathroom is clean except for the tub, and I have abandoned clothes in the washing machine. To make it worse, here I sit working on three or four school projects, which if I could dedicate, I could finish, and yet I blog.

Most likely, this is all due to me finding comfort in the midst of chaos. This is going to take some serious therapy, I think.

[update: my sorry ass has finished the dishes, switched loads of laundry, and determined a plan of action for the homework.]



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Yeah, I'm feeling blue.

It seems this happens a lot lately, and I can guarantee it has a lot to do with the fact that I live alone with really most of my friends at least an hour away. A social life is hard to come by with a schedule like mine, too.

Naturally, I did what any pathetic, self-pitying, loner would do:

I bought myself flowers. (The vase was a gift from my sister. She rules.)




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Somehow I have managed to get every clock in this house to read a different number. I didn't do it on purpose, mind you. It's amazing. According to my computer, I left on time for work today. According to my car, I was quite late. The clock radio in my room gave up last Tuesday because I think I stimulated the snooze button so much that it ran off with my canopener.

No, I cant find that either.




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Sunday, May 26, 2002
 
I want you to come over, just to share my bed. To sleep with your arms wrapped around me, your breath warm on the back of my neck...

I miss the comfort of sleepovers and spoons.




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Saturday, May 25, 2002
 
See.

I told all of you about the nubbin, but you didn't listen.

--The More You Know (tm) --



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Man.

I hate when it's so hot all you can think about is going to bed.

Sweat. E.



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Friday, May 24, 2002
 
In the process of wading through hoardes of Celine pics, I found him.

mmmmm....



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Celine Dion.

She makes some crazy-ass faces.

Sometimes, when she's doing that nasal note jump that she does, if you close your eyes, you'd swear it was Aaron Neville.



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Rock.

Cami may come visit Phoenix for a bit. Hopefully she'll make it out here so I can finally put a voice with the stories.

I can't wait.



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Thursday, May 23, 2002
 
Today started like this:

1. Wake up (barely)
2. Make toast
3. Check email
4. Answer door only to smack yourself (pretty hard) in the face with it in front of the UPS man while wearing the two most clashing articles of clothing you think you have ever owned.

*sigh*



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Wednesday, May 22, 2002
 
Note to self:

No matter how long you wait in-between, or how free it was... 28 inches of ballpark corndog is a bad, bad idea.

It's even worse when the only other thing you have all day is beer.



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Guess where I was tonight...



Yes, that's right.
That's me with a foam finger.

To make it even MORE sexy, I'm doing the game face and the hard-rock handjive.



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Tuesday, May 21, 2002
 
You know, being a professional student has its perks...

Yesterday I went to my financial services office, and they laid the news on me: my pell grant award was lower than last time.

GAH. Oh GREAT.

However, there was more...

To help that, we raised your loan. Basically, it covers the $300 that you owed us, and it knocked down your payments from $100 to $50 a month. The first payment is due in June.

WOO!

Loans are the perfect alternative for procrastinators. I have school payments to make, but I don't have to make them RIGHT NOW.



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Monday, May 20, 2002
 
Henry has grown up with us for a bit now. However, it looks like he needs to have some alone time.

We will miss you Henry. Be well, cutie.



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Weekend Schmeekend.

The highlight of my weekend?
Picking up the bag of flour tortillas by the wrong end and watching them slide one-by-one onto the floor and be too stunned to stop them.

Yes, I pulled off the three second rule in good time.



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Saturday, May 18, 2002
 
I see your fever, and I raise you a small migraine and few dizzy spells.

Bring it on, fever. I will defeat you.



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Friday, May 17, 2002
 
Raging. Fever.

Miserable. Sticky.

Sitting. Sweating. Heat reflects from hand to face, arm to arm.

And yet...

Shivering. Trembling. Weak.

(damn you fever.)



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At the post office today, as I was walking in with an armload of mail, I held open the door for a little girl. As she passed, she asked her mother, "Mommy, is that the mail lady?"

See, I seriously cannot go anywhere without someone thinking I work there.

That's it, I'm ordering this.



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Thursday, May 16, 2002
 
Thank. Sweet. God.

I placed a bid on a rather pricey ebay auction, and suddenly thought "Oh CRAAAP, how am I going to pay for it??"

Thank GOD that someone outbid me with 2 hours to go. It was enough money that it actually caused panic.

(Yes, it was playstation related...)



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Just a couple pics to let everyone see that my hair is okay.
(Unfortunately, I've never been okay.)



you like??



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Is it a bad sign when the hairdresser using the scissors on you has pictures of her son on her mirror, and he has a mullet?



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Wednesday, May 15, 2002
 
To whoever you little bastards are that keep trying to hack into my system:

Lay the hell off.

It's getting old, and I don't have anything you'd want anyway - had to do a system wipe back in November and still didn't put really anything back on. No games, no music... so go the hell away. Apparantly somewhere you got the idea that I had shareware files and whatnot... I don't. So stop trying to sneak in.

Seriously. If I run into you on the street I'll break your damn knees.

When I was 14, I had much better things to do. Go play outside or something.



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Love ridden, Ive looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
Ive wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over
So I cant tonight, baby
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave
My hand wont hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now Im giving up on you
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave
No, not baby anymore - if I need you
Ill just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, well only have to wave

-fiona apple, love ridden


This is the way I feel today.

He tried to contact me again. I don't want it. I have been trying to remember what it felt like to love him, but I cant. I know I did, and I remember what it felt like to be so in love that I could barely breathe, but I don't remember what it was like to love him. Forcing yourself to stop loving someone cold turkey is a harsh reality when you stop pretending that he is what you need. Many things about him... I will never forget. Noone ever kissed the arches of my feet when I was sick in bed. Noone ever thought that my nuances were near as cute as you. Noone ever hurt me the way you did. I can't do it again. I know you want to talk to me, but I'm not ready. I dont know if I'll ever be ready, actually... Sometimes we are so blinded by needing someone, that we fail to realize that what we have and what we need are two different things. Sometimes, we have to stop being so blind.

[I've decided that I've talked about this FAR too much. I'm officially ending this chapter of my life here and now. If I speak of it again, tell me how much I suck :o)]



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One last thing, and then I swear I'm really going to bed.

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend of mine from school. One of the nicest boys ever. Let me say this though. Possibly the nicest pair of forearms I have ever seen.

What can I say? Three top things I like *physically* in a boy.
1. Eyes
2. Hands
3. Forearms
(4.) The sides of their waists where you can see the indent.... gah. HAD to throw that in. Man. Now I'll never get to sleep.



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Wow. My permalinks and my archives are all wonky. Grrr... It will have to wait.



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For Pher:

The game screenshot I posted is to be downloaded here. [via Jish]

Consider this your last moment of freedom.



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Tuesday, May 14, 2002
 
I have two new loves:

1. Tuna sandwiches (no mayo) with co-jack cheese and lettuce in a whole wheat pita. (Sarah has GOT to be proud of this...) Seriously, that's some damn fine eats.

2. Tobey Maguire. Good god. He's so cute. However... when in the suit, I think his voice wasn't deep enough... perhaps I am just being picky.

Yes, I went to see this movie tonight on my way home from school.
Yes, it rocks so hard I actually was doing the web shooting the whole drive home.
Yes, I actually loudly went "Yeah!" during the movie a number of times.
Yes, the CG was pretty damn good.
No, Kirstin Dunst wasn't good. She couldn't have found good if it would have peeked out from under Spiderman's peeled mask and slapped her in her trampy Mary Jane face.

No, I don't want to be Mary Jane, I want to be SPIDERMAN.
Mary Jane is a candyass.



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"Do you ever hear anyone say "I'm spidey-hungry, it's time for lunch!" or "I'm spidey-tired." No. Why? Because it's stupid. I think if I heard someone walking around actually saying that crap, I might be tempted to spidey-beat the spidey-crap out them."

This whole entry spidey-kills me.



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Monday, May 13, 2002
 
Apparantly my sister has found my comments.

Heh. She's as big of a smart-ass as me, only married. I think that those who are married tend to be more cynical... I know I'd be.

"More cynical?", you ask."Is that possible?"

"Quite.", I reply, and give you the finger.



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Sunday, May 12, 2002
 
I've decided.

I want to move to Tempe.

There are some cute little shops down there, and as "collegized" as the area is, it's still pretty fun.

Anyone know of some cheap apartments down there?



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Saturday, May 11, 2002
 
One more thing (HEY! If I'm going to slack, I'm going to do it right. See Dad? I AM successful!)

heh

Ok, that one more thing: As of today, I am single-handedly going to bring back the phrase "He's one baaaaaddd mamma-jamma".

It will be done.



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Oh, and for those of you screaming for a Blue Shoe redesign (ok, maybe it was just me), it will have to wait a little longer... still struggling from midterm hell.



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Hmm...

Perhaps I should get some work done...




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Friday, May 10, 2002
 
Yuck.

Why is it that whenever I cook chicken quarters on the stove for some ungodly length of time (and they appear really done), when I fork-stab them to move them to a plate blood pours out?

I'm 26 and I can't seem to cook chicken. After seeing the horror of it tonight, I may become a vegetarian after all...

Ick.



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Some people are so cheap...

I was in Target today, spending money on Things I Don't Need, when I saw her.

She was in the makeup aisle, and I noticed she had polished one nail to see how it looked. In her fluster of noticing me, she brought the newly-polished nail near her face, and began to inspect it, as if it weren't even her own. It was then that I noticed.

She had actually painted ALL 10 NAILS, and had planned on putting the bottle back on the shelf! How do I know this you ask?? Well, I pretended not to notice as I rounded the corner. Then, passing by the aisle again, I saw her put the color BACK ON THE SHELF and actually start to look at lipsticks.

For the love.. do people have no class at all?



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Thursday, May 09, 2002
 
Good news and bad news.

Good news: I am really starting to like White Russians. People I used to work with always drank them and harped on them, but finally I have developed a taste for them on my own.

Bad news: White Russians are too good. I am halfway to unintentionally drunk and I've only had one....

(So much for housework...)



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Wednesday, May 08, 2002
 
My parents separated when I was about this age. At the time, I was too young to understand that it was: a. not a common occurance in all families, b. a bad thing, and c. a sign of an impending divorce about 7 years later. (Frankly, I hope that both Henry, his father and mother can work through this in whatever way is the best for them. It's a tough thing, and I want them to all get through this with as little pain as possible. Sometimes, things like this need to happen for things to be better later on.)

My dad moved out when I was really young. He got an apartment 2 blocks away, and every weekend or so I would go stay with him. I can't remember if my brother lived there with him, but I do remember him being there. It was fun, a sort of slumber party experience. We would stay up late being silly, and all crash on the waterbed. (My mom would never let us have one, because it was bad for our bodies.) We would eat pizza and macaroni and cheese and for whatever odd reason I remember my dad's bike being in his bedroom...

Looking back, it wasn't as traumatic as I think both of my parents thought it would be. I spent much of my childhood completely baffled that it wasn't something that everyone did, and in that failed to feel the effects of something making you "different" from the other kids. Their divorce was bound to happen. There are two types of failing marraiges: those that scream and those who live in silence. My parents were the worst of the two: they were deathly silent. They would go days, completely oblivious to each other, not saying anything without closing their door first. Much of the time, only one of them would be in their room and the door would remain closed. (I think my father may have actually slept on the couch once or twice.) As a child, this is much more scarring than the yelling. To me, yelling fights, as harmful as they can be are at LEAST communication. Most yelling fights I've been in have sooner or later ended in sincere apology. I knew something was pretty wrong, and when they announced divorce at age 10, as much as I was horribly stunned and damaged, I came to realize that it was for the best...

To this day, I think it was the best decision. My mom is remarried to possibly one of the most wonderful men EVER, and my dad's girlfriend has been in our lives for about 12 years now, so it's the same as having the best stepmom a girl could want. Both parents are much happier, which trickles down to make the children much happier. My older brother is the one casualty of the divorce. He chose to blame my mom (he was a product of my dad's first marraige), and has since stopped speaking with her. He and I were close too, when we were young, but as I get older we seem to have less and less in common, which makes us have less and less to say. However, he IS my brother and I do miss him, but I understand that sometimes things are the way they are, and that we should come around again when we are both a little older.

As for me, I am glad that it worked out. As much as parents think that things like this are horrible, and would rather stay together for the children.... don't. We know when it isn't working. It is better for us to live in an environment with two loving, separate parents than one miserable, painful marraige.

Good luck Henry's dad. I hope that as hard as everything is for you right now, you remember what is truly important: loving Henry enough to do what is best for him, and loving him enough to do what's best for you.



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Tuesday, May 07, 2002
 
As a child, the movie Time Bandits used to scare the living hell out of me.

Today when I watched it, I felt the pangs of fear rising again. Then I realized how funny it is, and how many jokes in it were so above my head.

(Apparantly George Harrison of Beatles fame was an executive producer for this movie. Incidentally, he did the same job for Nuns on the Run).



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I was just about to strike through the link to Openwire.com when I happened to
take a peek.

Very cool!

I am so glad that Jay seems to be having a great time.



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Monday, May 06, 2002
 
Things to do this week:

1. Shoot for getting new look on the diaries. ALSO: fix all wacked-out links/archives etc...
2. Make actual PAPER resumes again (does anyone still use these?) and send them to everyone I know.
3. Devise a get rich scheme that will make me, in fact, rich.

Let's hope I at least get one of these things done. Frankly, I'm aiming for number 3...



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Sunday, May 05, 2002
 
heheheh

Makes me want to balance my checkbook.

[via: Charlene]



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I found out why I would not want to be with this male friend when things started to work out: I learned that he has been with two people I know. Apparantly it was my instinct telling me that it was a bad idea. So, it looks like I'll just stick to being friends.

update: make that 3 people I know... problem being = two of them sleep with anything that can't run away... Play on Playa, just not with me.



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Oh, and I'm desperately looking for a new job. My stint as a Head VideoWhore has worn thin. I will do most things [read: most, perverts] and need to make more than eightfitty an hour.

Oh, and I need health insurance.



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Why is it that when I hang out with this one male friend, I seriously have to control myself. However, the minute we start acting on it (no worries - it didn't happen tonight), I don't know if I want it anymore?

I know that happens to a lot of people, but when you are in the midst of random, mild bouts of loneliness, you'd think I'd try to make it pan out at least for kicks...



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Saturday, May 04, 2002
 
Rock.

A Google search for "blue shoe" puts me at both 5 and 9. heh.

See, that's what happens when you move and leave the old place as a sort of road map to the new one...



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Cant seem to want to work on my final...
Perhaps I'll just go to bed.



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Part of the trouble is:

I feel lonely.

I miss hearing the sound of someone sleeping next to me. I know, I know... it's been a while since someone actually slept beside me more than once, but still. I sleep better sometimes listening to the rhythm of their breathing, silently watch them slumber. I must say, I've seen some pretty adorable sleeping boys in my day. Too bad they turned into [pick a random derogatory term] when they opened their eyes again.

Still, it'd be nice to share a bed with one again.



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Friday, May 03, 2002
 
heh.

My brother-in-law and his friend Bob have a date with Jewish Superhero
Herschel Spiedermenn.



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Thursday, May 02, 2002
 
GAH

Yet another hiatus. Henry's dad seems to be taking a break as well.

It's like the plague, but less bubonic.



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When I was a kid, I could eat Cracker Jack like nobody's business. That stuff was so tasty, AND you got a crappy little toy too. I would plant my little self in front of 3-2-1 Contact or Electric Company or some other PBS show and eat it as quickly as I could to get to the toy. That's restraint, I tell you. However, when I got about 2 inches from the bottom, I would dig out the toy and savor the rest of the Cracker Jack. How I loved it back then.

Tonight I tried Kettle Corn for the first time. It reminds me of how I have learned to loathe Cracker Jack. ick.

Guess what, I bought two packages of this too. You'd think I'd learn...



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Wednesday, May 01, 2002
 
You know, sometimes we deviate from things we like when we percieve a different version of it to be better. Perhaps not always a better look or smell, but sometimes just better for you. In being as optimistic as I thought was necessary, I bought more than one.

I now have 2 - 2 liters of possibly one of the worst sodas ever: Diet Cherry Coke.

Tastes like your licking a dirty tin can, with a slight hint of not-so-cherry.

gah. Thank god I didn't pay full price.



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So he wants to talk. He's regretting some things and wants to talk to me.

I can't do it.

I spent a year and a half loving him, and 4 months forcing myself not to. Leaving that relationship behind was one of the strongest and hardest things I have ever had to do. If I were to speak with him again, all of my sadness, all of that pain that he put me through would seem forgiven.

It isn't.

I'm not mad, nor bitter, nor even sad anymore. I don't miss him as much as I once did, although remembering the way it felt to love someone that much makes my heart ache. I'm glad I did what I did, and as hard as it was, I don't regret any of it. That is why I cannot have him in my life anymore. I don't want what started off as beautiful and ended in a parade of loss, sorrow and strength to turn into something I regret.

After everything you made me feel, you will never make me feel regret.



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oh, and two bits of funny while i finish my finals...



1. I'm the #3 google search for "angie". Right on!
(right behind Angie Aparo, who is a gifted musician. I saw him when I was in SC. He played an amazing acoustic set.)

2. I don't know what's funnier. Someone searching for "naked angie" or "use my computer to get me a woman". heh.

Oh, and Nick: Purple Monkey Telephone



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FINALLY I figured out this whole FTP thing enough to see some things...

A new look is coming soon!

(Update: the archives are still on geocities. i shall move them as soon as i have some time.)



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