Sunday, October 31, 2004
Raging Amounts of Suck
There's a high probability that this week is going to be jam-packed with horrible-terribleness and high levels of SUCK, so my stress level is somewhere circling Pluto. I may be MIA for awhile...
Granted, I've said that before, but seriously. This week is most likely going to be one of the hardest EVER. There's some decisions that will be hard to make, and I am tired of thinking about them.
However, I HAVE made one decision, and I need to share it with the world:
The name of my first born IS going to be Jake Ryan, so let's all hope it's a boy.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Dear Downstairs Neighbors aka WWFSmackdownstairs
If you are going to have a bang-up cagematch with yelling, slamming and noise, please make certain it isn't when your two adorable granddaughters are around.
They don't need to witness that shit.
Catwoman - Meow
So, I never did have that cocktail or get those smokes. Here's what I did instead:
Here kitty kitty kitty
Yes, I created a Catster account for Boobs.
So tell me... what do NORMAL people do on a Friday night?
Friday, October 29, 2004
This is my last weekend in this apartment. My last weekend the way things are right now. As miserable as I have been lately, things are going to be very different in a week.
Very, very different.
All week I've been trying to be all Bright & Shiny
and I've maintained for the most part (except for the day with the $1400 rent and the mammoth cell phone bill). Tonight though... I didn't know tonight was going to be So. Hard.
I know, I said I'd stop talking about all this because, well, because it is being read by involved parties and it's just not something fun to read.
FYI - it's not fun to live it either.
In the last few days at least 2 different people have told me that even while cracking jokes, I still sound sad. I am. Very, very sad. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, for the sole fact that when you think something may be "permanent" and then it just isn't anymore, it makes it really hard to breathe. I'm not that funny girl anymore who can bottle it all up and pretend that it doesn't matter.
And sometimes, this time, it affects me too much to pretend it all away. I'm sorry ya'll had to ride this rollercoaster with me, but I promise, we're on a steady incline, and I'll be less depressing soon. This isn't my lowest. I've been there already. My lowest point was step one: admitting there was a problem.
Anyway, I just had to get that out. I also need to say, for the record because I have people close to me reading this, that just because I am going to sit back with a cocktail tonight and go buy a pack of smokes, I am not a drunk nor am I a smoker again. I just want one cocktail (I never finish them anyway) and one cigarette. Just to mourn this life I've built up for the past couple years that's going to all change in less than a week.
If you need me, I'm the one that reeks like an ashtray.
Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza
Observations made about Who's the Boss as an adult:
- Isn't Judith Licht old enough to be his mother?
- Tony Danza is neither charming, nor funny. In fact, the whole show is pretty bad.
- I t0tally wanted to be "Sam" as a kid. I am not too fond of Alyssa Milano now, but back then? Jeezus what was I thinking. She was SO not tough.
- What ever happened to Angela's obviously gay but closeted son? Did he ever come out? Did he ever act again?
- That damn theme song is NEVER getting out of my head.
Gettin' it Duuuunnnn
Yeah - so I did a little work today, but mostly packed. And watched a couple movies. But mostly packed. No really - I made AMAZING headway today. Which is good, because this weekend I need to get everything moved. I know, I know. I can't pay the move-out fee. But you know what? I HAVE to move out. I've gotten far too excited about it and READY for it and half moved to stop now.
Anyway: the kitchen - over half done. I was going to get it to bare minimum tonight, but I'm sick of packing.
The bedroom? Don't ask.
The one thing I've managed to do all day without pause is SHIVER. I turned on my heat, and it smelled like burning hair. With so much going on the maintenance list for this apartment lately, I didn't want to have to add "clean up fire damage". So, shiver me timbers, I'm damn cold.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
You know, I don't know if it's the day, or the rain, or the clouds, or the cold...
But MAN is it wet outside.
HAH - SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?! You thought I was going to talk about my life but I made a weather joke! I am so clever!!
It's the Little Things, Really
What is better than an alarm clock waking you up? When water is coming through your ceiling from the rain and going drop-drop-drop on the floor at the foot of your bed.
Oh Joy! Looks like the bedroom gets packed IMMEDIATELY. And I am now That Girl with the pot on the floor to catch the rain - yes it is dripping relatively quickly...
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3: Angie Needs a Drink
- 1/2 bottle really shitty rum (the clear variety). So bad, in fact, that I have no idea what brand it is, but it says "RUM" quite prominently on the label. Good stuff. (Oh wait - I just looked - it's called "Prestige". Note: If something is named a word that implies greatness, it usually sucks something fierce.)
- 1/2 carton Calcium-Enriched OJ. Very tasty.
- 3/4 bottle Silk Vanilla Soy Milk (I use it with a banana and vanilla protien powder to make a GREAT morning drink. I think next time I'll blend ice cream in. mmmm!!!)
- 1/4 bottle of Margarita Mix (plain)
- 1/8 bottle of Margarita Mix (strawberry)
- Ice Cubes
- Water au de Tap
Make Angie 1 good cocktail using any ingredients listed. Ok, doesn't have to be good
, really. Just one that I can throw my feet on the coffee table, kick back and watch 2001:A Space Odyssey and sip - so something moderately enjoyable.
Oh, and I see that I have 3 parts of a daquiri, but that doesn't mean I actually HAVE a daquiri...
Attempt #1: Orange Creamsicle: Rum, OJ, Vanilla Soy Milk.
Not bad... although I know from experience that milk + OJ (acid +base) gets kinds lumpy... not gross lumpy, just lumpy.
Attempt #2: EUREKA! - What I like to call my Phillips Head Screwdriver: Rum, OJ, and a touch of lemon juice/slices.
This is actually less gritty than attempt #1 (which I took 2 sips of and promptly poured out). This will do quite nicely.
Alright, on to the Kubrick!
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
On a Heavier Note
It looks like to move out we(I) need to pay the apartment complex 1445.08. If we(I) dont pay that by Dec 1, we(I) will have to pay an additional 510.
I am completely and totally screwed. If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't have to move out.
I am so, so, so tired of this.
Mike (politely) mentioned today (after I told him about needing to pee) that perhaps I say too much about my bodily functions. I tried to divert him with talk of the elderly, but it was to no avail (I'm really not good at changing the subject AT ALL)...
So, because I really should act a little more like a lady, I'm going to try to refrain from discussing bodily functions, or anything else completely inappropriate, with anyone outside my immediate family (who are totally fair game) and ESPECIALLY with Mike (who I probably completely horrify on a regular basis - I am sorry about that. I'm just really pretty open).
We shall see how long this lasts. This does not look promising.
My Carpet is a Dirty Bird
That got your attention, no?
Does anyone have any sort of carpet cleaning system I can borrow? I'd rent one, but with my current financial state, the cheaper the better. I know how to use them and I can pick it up/drop it back off... I'll need it in about a week to a week-and-a-half.
Thanks everyone. I'm your new holiday charity.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
A short list of my totally irrational fears, because I just discovered a new one (marked with an "*"):
- Clowns - well wait, they are evil so this one is actually pretty rational...
- The dark.
- Insects with exoskellies.
- Getting sucked through the spaces in stairs that are made up of just slats.
- Having my fingers run over by someone iceskating and cutting them all off where they attach to my hand (assume I've slipped and have my hands on the ice). For whatever reason, I shudder more when I think about them getting cut off palms up rather than palms down.
- *The neighbors downstairs firing a gun at the ceiling (my floor) and having the bullet come through the floor and shoot off any one of my small toes.
Running on Empty
As of right now, I am officially broke. Just for October's bills, I am about 200 short. That is, up until today. In another week, I will be about 600 behind, because we are (I am) going to inevitably have to pay rent again. This really, really, really sucks.
Today, my brakes started to go from squeak to grind, just a little bit.
My neighbors, downstairs, are at it again. Part of me wishes I were a yeller and a screamer, just so I'd stop bottling things up. I am thankful, however, that I am not a puncher, thrower, slammer, or tipper-over.
I can't wait for Christmas. I need to get the hell outta Dodge.
Do people wink anymore?
Hey, you in the truck. The one in the army camo and regulation beret. When you were driving even with me on my passenger side, and you winked and I smiled, it was not because I wanted you to continue to gawk, it was because I was TOTALLY uncomfortable and weirded out and was trying not to laugh at you and your bad army self.
You, you in the minivan that was bumpin the killer music. When I sped up to pass and when I slowed down to drop back to avoid being along side you and did NOT make eye contact, you had no reason to try to get my attention because I was OBVIOUSLY not interested. It wasn't you, really. I'm willing to give most people a chance - there are a lot of "diamonds in the rough". Frankly, it was the beat to shit minivan (dude for real. Even my craptacular Honda could beat that thing). I imagined raising our beat up kids in our beat up house with the beat up fence and the beat up Buick planter in the front yard... yeah. Totally not my thing but thanks. Oh, and for the record, I am not implying that I would beat up the kids. My guess is their peers would handle that for me.)
Oh and fyi: if you're really lookin' for love, I know a military man who's scopin the interstate...
Excuse me, Sir? The one who passed me in the smaller SUV with the BABY SEAT in the front seat going at LEAST 85, WTF dude. Not only were you going to kill your baby if you got in an accident, but it didn't even look like junior was belted in, because his seat was flat like this: v instead of this \ or this /.
Listen, meet at Walgreens and I'll buy your sorry ass some condoms.
To the crunchy, shiny roach in my kitchen sink:
You heard me coming, and you didn't scurry down the drain like I had hoped. You and your friends creep me out pretty badly, and I don't think you need to be hanging out here anymore. ESPECIALLY when you are that size.
Gross. Gross. Gross.
Monday, October 25, 2004
For whatever reason I'm weak today. I think after the wreckage was sorted through a bit the past day or two that today I'm a little more permeable and I feel WEAK. Yes, that's right. Situation aside, sometimes hearing that voice still gives me butterflies.
Must. not. cave.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Screw You Atkins
I seriously just consumed my weight in carbs.
Cate - I literally did.
All is now well with the world, although my weight will probably reach an all time high.
Ahhh.... who gives a shit.
Sunday, Cruddy Sunday
Today is a bit of an emotional trainwreck, so I think I'm going to lay low for a few days.
A list to keep you occupado:
- Paul Walker is possibly the worst actor ever (I saw Timeline - GAH!!). I mean, he was just beat out slightly by Vin Diesel, and thank GOD they weren't in a movie together... Oh wait. Yeah, totally cancelled each other out and the cars, the CARS!!!
- I'm going to be crafty for Christmas, because I need a good distraction and I want to wow my family. Prepare for the "wow".
- I am so excited for the new season of the OC, I think I just peed a little.
- Ebay is going to be making a ton of money in fees off me pretty soon. I will be listing an assload x infinity. For real.
- I really missed my slippers.
- The guy on "The Mountain" looks like that guy from "Wings". Please note that I do not watch "The Mountain" and I refuse to make any admissions about "Wings".
- Apparantly my dad's neighborhood has a wicked scorpion problem right now. Yippee.
- My cat climbed on my chest this afternoon and slept. ON HIS OWN. Damn him for negating the naughty.
- I am totally amused by the word (name) "Liverpool" because it sounds like it's from an episode of Fear Factor.
- I am also really amused by the Sonic commercials with the 2 guys in the car. The blond guy cracks me up EVERY SINGLE TIME, even if I've seen the commercial more times than I can count.
- Jude Law on (was it Leno?) late night TV. I thought, SWEET JESUS hot, but too skinny for me. Then... the accent came out. Let me tell you that I wept on the inside. That face and that accent. Good Lord. I really need to lie down. Like NOW.
Friday, October 22, 2004
is well written and exactly the way I feel about it too.
One of Many
I just heard on some commercial that 3 servings of cheese is supposed to help you lose weight.
If this is true -
A) Then I should weigh very, very little with all the cheese I consume
B) How am I losing weight if the cheese makes it so I can't poop? Seriously - I'm down to less than one good poop a day. I should actually weigh more
WOW - I really should discuss things like this more often. That made me feel a bit better.
[This Space Intentionally Left Blank]
I won't be posting about my life here for awhile, because I guess since I have few that I can vent on, I used this forum as my place to dump, and now I guess I have in so many words been asked not to.
So. I guess I'll have more to say once I move, but you may get a few updates about poop and/or stupid drivers and/or the elderly. Hopefully all of the above.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
The Great Pretender
I am SO mad about this that all I want is to be moved and to have this done. Finally I cannot allow myself to pretend that I'm not upset about this. I AM SO UPSET ABOUT THIS! I have lost my apartment. I have NO money left, and it's NOT MY FAULT. I cannot afford to buy what I need. I have no time anymore because I work from home and I pack and pack and clean and pack.
I swear to God. This is SO not okay, that I really just don't give a rat's ass what happens after this. I just can't believe that if this was as important as it was made to sound that SOMETHING wouldn't have been done to rectify this - ANYTHING should have been done to rectify this. Actions speak way louder than words, and I've become quite deaf to empty promises.
Oh, and no, I DONT want to talk about it anymore. There is absolutely nothing that could be said to me that would make it ok anymore. I've allowed myself to pretend for a long time that things like this are ok. Well, they aren't, and I'm done pretending.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Goin' to the Gunshow
I may need someone with some really big guns to help me carry some heavy things like my tv and such down my stairs this weekend. I would do it but I would definately end up dead, so I would rather someone with a wingspan greater than 2 - 1/2 feet carry these things for me.
I can't pay you, but I can smile a lot and compliment you on your MAD SKILLZ. Seriously. I would do that for you, because I care.
So Tired, Tired of Waiting, Tired of Waiting for Yooooooooo
Things I can't wait for:
- Cable internet
- Having security of home and dinner again
- Laundry facilities that I can use in my underwear
- Wood-burning firepit
- Kitchen table
- Gated community to ride a bike in, go for walks in and drive the golfcart in
- Not being HERE anymore
Things I'm tired of waiting for:
- Getting the hell out of here
- Not having this bullshit to deal with anymore
- Having enough money to do much of anything, including buying anyone ANYTHING for Christmas
- Putting off car repairs because the money is "coming"
- This month to be over
- Christmas to get here so I can see my family
- Not being HERE anymore
Monday, October 18, 2004
Shock Doc., ESP
Apparantly Dr. Phil and his cohorts are spying on me and/or reading my mind.
Today's show is about me and my situation, I swear. The only difference from the guests-who-fit-us-to-a-t, is that we actually DID have a division of labor, which in our case, was just like not having one at all.
Worse yet, I get an email from another person who recognized it as me and told me to watch it. heheh Thanks Sarah!
Man. You know your life is dysfunctional when it is mirrored on Dr. Phil. (Thank God I haven't achieved Springer status yet. I still have all my teeth, and I've never slept with anyone who is in any way related to me or one of my ex's.)
In other news:
I can't understand road rage AT ALL. I mean, if the person is just a dumbass and drives like a dipshit, then just being them is punishment enough.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
What About Love, Actually
I guess I've become pretty immune to the whole "whirlwind of love" idea. I mean, I've been in it, so wrapped up that I couldn't see past my own glorious bubble, but now... now it doesn't seem real. I feel like it's a life someone else lived, and not me. I guess I've just formed this crunchy candy shell that looks and seems like sweetness and joy, but is just a front for what's on the inside: misery.
I don't know if I want to get married. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've been asked, but in the "big picture" I just don't see it as something I want much anymore. I can't imagine feeling that it's the next logical step - like you just barely breathe when the person is out of sight, and you want to be that much closer. Closer to what? Not feeling like this?
I see these couples - these blissful, sugary couples who laugh and hug and chase and all of these things for years and years and years. How is that possible? I can't seem to get past the first 1/3 to 1/2 of any relationship I'm in before it just gets shitty.
*sigh* I am so tired of thinking about this. You know, for once I think I deserve a little better than it always ending up like this. I'm tired of being "that girl". I'm tired of putting everything I have into something which will fail no matter how hard I try. I'm tired of feeling. like. this.
If anyone's looking for me, I'm the one who looks tired.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Comments are all FUXORed right now. At least, I still have the old ones, I just can't configure Haloscan to display them. It's being worked on, I swear.
In the meantime, leave more! I know that you all have a lot to say.
Apparantly I am the 6th listing on Ask Jeeves if you search for "Shoes Woman".
Oh, the ego stroke...
Man v. Dog
I'm sorry - if your wolf-hybrid dog attacks and mauls YOUR OWN 5 YEAR OLD GRANDSON, to the point where the child is hospitalized with a SKULL FRACTURE from a TOOTH, there should be NO HESITATION to get rid of the animal.
Don't get me wrong - I ama HUGE animal lover. HOWEVER, this is your grandchild. Which, frankly, is MUCH more important.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Until I move and have loverly cable internet again, I am moving this damn thing back to blogger just for the sole sake of preserving my archives.
Ok, I've FINALLY got all the posts into the system. Comments will be down for a few days or until I can get them switched over. Otherwise... there you go - you've got a lot of catchin up to do :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
1. Yet again, a chicken that I cooked is rotting the inner lining of my stomach. Excuse me while I urp.
2. Not too be completely foul, but my legs are so hairy it's like I'm smuggling 2 gorillas in my pants.
(On number 2, I'd like to add that I was referring the leg parts, not the butt part. If I meant the butt part, I'd have said "2 large hams" or "2 cats fighting in a potato sack". Yeah, just a little preventative measure here, because ya'll got some filthy brains.)
Monday, October 11, 2004
I think I deserve a medal. Not only did I buy a 5 lb. chicken for just over $2 and the side pasta for a buck, I've got it becoming the BEST CHICKEN EVER in the massive CrockPot cooker. That's going to be some good chicken.
So Long, Superman
Holy crap - Christopher Reeve died. I mean, I was just at the grocery store and saw him on the cover of some magazine and thought, "You know, he doesn't look HALF as creepy or rubbery as he did last year." and then *poof*, he's dead. Wow. How weird is that??
Man of Steel and Wheels, you will be missed.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Grand Theft Thunder
Here I thought I was "The Shit" because I've been dancing around my house with my rum and coke doing the "I'm Moving Out" dance, and then my downstairs neighbors start blasting P-Funk and Rick James.
Consider my thunder totally stolen.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
Yesterday I was on top of the mountain with my arms in the air yelling, screaming, triumphant...
Today I am crying. A lot. Remembering how amazing it all was. How I knew almost immediately that "this was it". We just made so much sense. It was glorious and beautiful and so much like a fairy tale that it scared us...
Somewhere along the way it became this. This thing that is less about celebrating our wonderful life and more about groaning when we wake up and thanking the heavens that another day is over when we go to bed. It isn't supposed to be this. It never was. And I think somewhere in the metamorphosis it lost any resemblance to the original, and I don't think we can ever get that back.
We've lost too much. I've learned too much - realized. too. much. We are not the same. We are not "equal". I don't think we ever will be. It's amazing how 2 years can totally change everything. It's amazing how two years can totally change me.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
I have finally made some decisions that have been a long time in the making that will have a direct impact on the rest of my life. There are a couple decisions left to make, and these I may need some guidance on, but otherwise I feel like I finally have a good handle on things and that they don't make me bawl like a baby to think about anymore.
Due to having to pay the full amount of rent, I have less than $10 to my name to last for the next week and half or so. Lucky for me, car insurance is due, and 2 bills auto-deduct from my checking account in 2 days.
Let the check-bouncing begin!!
(For the record, this pisses me off more than I can ever put into words. I used to be annoyed at the situation, now I'm just really, really mad. I am SO glad I'm getting out of here.)
Sunday, October 03, 2004
If You Were a Weight Watchers Recipe Card from 1974...
Apparantly I am this:
You are Fish 'Tacos.' You might think you're exotic and worldly-wise, but in reality you're just a bunch of crap on toast. Repeat after me: 'just because you put something in quotation marks doesn't make it so.' And 'taco' isn't Spanish for 'toast.'
This quiz is from: What Weight Watchers recipe card from 1974 are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Seriously, I think 1974 Weight Watchers has me pegged for real. I am SOOOO just crap on toast, no matter what all ya'll say. (the entire set of cards is here
Pack It Up, Pack It In, Let Me Begin...
It's amazing to me how you can live somewhere for any period of time, but the comfort feeling can wax and wane like the cycles of the moon. There have been only one or two times since I have lived in this apartment that I actually felt "home". Both were then marked by me starting to "nest" a little. I bought a set of knives, screens for the patio, a little hairy monster to dwell in this place with us... Yet, such comfort can be snatched away even more quickly than it settles. I haven't felt like I was home in a long time. Looking back, I have a little doubt as to if I've felt at home since we've lived here at all. This place has been marked by anger, stress, situations brought on by the outside world and by internal struggles, and the dissolving of feeling, emotion and happiness. Part of my eagerness to leave this place and what it stands for is that I cannot ever imagine feeling like a person
again if I have to remain here. I have been stripped of myself, and it is not something I can find again by staying here. I like this place - I feel I've done what I can to make it comfortable and livable, despite the things making it hard to bear. However, I don't like who I am in this place. I don't like what I have become, or what I will become if I remain here.
I think, at some point in the near future, I really need to surround myself by my family and those who radiate "home". I may need to make a journey back up north, for an extended time or permanently, if that what it takes to re-establish myself again. I don't know. Many changes may be on the horizon, and I firmly believe that things will come back around - that I really haven't lost a lot of myself, but that the really important parts of me have been on a grand vacation and will be returning very soon - refreshed, renewed and reborn.
Friday, October 01, 2004
So, do I spend my Friday night cleaning out my file cabinet to prepare for a possible move, or do I take Mike's advice and just rewrite my website code... hmm...
Hold me back, boys. I TOTALLY know how to party.
I am horribly, terribly addicted to "Complex Malibu", although the guys are a bunch of assholes. (To be fair, the girls are whiny bitches but still). I am actually SO addicted to the show, that I may need to join a support group just to get me through this commercial break.