Monday, February 28, 2005
 
So much to say, so little time to say it...

I will try to post more about the past few days here sometime today. It's been a damn good few days!

However, I do need to give a shoutout to the birthday girl Kayde. She's one hot momma, that's for damn sure.

Hands off though - I'm protective as shit of this one. If you wanna grope, you can start with me. heh



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Friday, February 25, 2005
 
I don't like them for the reasons you think...

Two of my favorite songs right now (still) are two that my ex sent me. His bandmate (the singer) recorded these one night in his bedroom (if I have the story correct) and so it's just he and the acoustic guitar. They are raw, warm muffled.

So. Incredible.

They don't make me think of the ex too much, I think because I never actually met the guy who is singing (although I have spoken with him on the phone). So, there isn't any emotional attachment as to why I listen to these, just so some of you know.

I'd love to share them too, but since I don't even know if I was supposed to have them, I can't imagine right now that I should be sending them everywhere. However, I can and will bring them along to play for people, because they are just that good.

Let's just say they are REALLY gorgeous songs, and if he ever decides to record them again with just he and his guitar, or if he ever puts out any sort of acoustic album, there had better be one sent to Arizona.

John - from your friend's ex - these are goddamn good. Thank you for making them.



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‹bereinstimmen mit dem dooce

I couldn't relate until I read the end.

Yeah, that's about right. heh



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Thursday, February 24, 2005
 
Excerpts from the Clever One Herself

Two unrelated conversations, at the same time, with separate people.

(Names removed to protect the dorks that talk to me) heh

Excerpt 1:

"GirlAwesome": ben affleck has a ferret on his wiener
angie: ben affleck has a wiener?


Excerpt 2:

"General Lee": I got my ABC card today
angie: that mean you can spell now?
angie: is it like, a little cheat sheet to the harder words?
angie: hheheh
"General Lee": nop
angie: see
angie: shoulda used the card right there



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Wednesday, February 23, 2005
 
Tipshy

Apparantly the Captain and I can't hang.

I'm just saying.



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I just don't know what to say about this

Well, except that I never was a fan of the band:

A.ll D.ay I. D.ream A.bout S.erving the lord.



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Monday, February 21, 2005
 
And it all came flooding back...

Tonight, while digging for a file for work (SWAMPED!) on my computer, I stumbled across a file I shouldn't have read.

For whatever reason, this time, it made me remember what it felt like to hurt.

I remembered how it felt to be disappointed. How it felt to love and lose.

As I sat here, tears streaming down my face, I realized that as much as I have healed, forgotten, and hardened, I'm still only human.

This moment of sadness is less of missing and pain, and more of mourning how my perceptions have completely shifted.
  • I am less trusting, to the point where I hardly trust anyone.
  • I don't know if I want to ever get married.
  • I think that love may just be something that isn't worth the effort.
  • I don't think I can allow myself to ever be completely vulnerable again.
  • I no longer see the great parts as untarnished and untainted, but sort of a break from all the bad.
Still, I think that it's one of those things that may be good for other people, but right now I'm very glad to be flying solo. Less drama, and I can makeout with hot boys.

(Oh, and the tears stopped almost as soon as they started, so no need to try to make me feel better - just a little sprinkle, not a downpour...)



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In the Spirit of where the brain is today...

I have to get this off my chest:

I miss nooners.

(Oh, and that 4:30 am "nooner" too.)

Hell, I think I miss both equally.

Thankfully both were of my doing, so there will be nooners again.



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Roping me in like a naughty little calf

Two words:

Sexy forearms.

Goddamn those forearms. Seriously.

I may just have to rethink my position on the whole "not trying that avenue anymore". Tonight, there was definately a bit of the eyes...

Speaking of that, you wanna know my weekness after gorgeous eyes? Spectacular forearms, and this boy had TWO.

TOTALLY weak in the knees over shit like that.

Also - my ass was UP ON STAGE shaking it. Oh yes.

Oh, and the hottie that walked up outta the blue for a drag off my cigarette - why yes, I WILL make you kiss me for it next time, you fine piece of man ass.

(I know! A little FYI - I talk like that too... Construction workers aren't the only ones who can do that shit.)



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Sunday, February 20, 2005
 
Stuck

Ok, I'm putting an offer on the table.

I am antsy as hell, and anyone who wants to cart my ass around tonight I will fill your gas tank.

I'm going to go all sorts of batshit crazy if I do not get out of this house.

Really.

UPDATE:

I'm borrowing my dad's "boat" (a Lincoln) because he knows how much I like to go up to the Metal.

tanks pop.



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Tires Suck.

So, I tried. I really, really did. I went and filled my tire to see if it was just flat or there was a hole that I couldn't find.

Turns out I have a small hole in the sidewall, which means no patching and I have to wait until tomorrow.

Damn you pothole.

Damn. You.



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Laughing on the Outside

So yeah, I went back and looked, and realized not only had I posted about "The Captain", but I left off the part about the REALLY horrible sexperience AND I totally forgot he gave me hickeys.

Yes, that's right. HICKEYS.

I wasn't 15 then and I sure as hell am not 15 now. They were SO not cool, and were actually really black and tender. Oh, and HUGE. They were actually pretty enormous.

Yeah, and when you manage a video store as I did at the time, hickeys REALLY make you look professional.

God. Now I have the shivers. In a very grossed-out skeevy way.



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Sweet Jumpin Jesus

Man, have the last two days been weird. Here's a breakdown of all this shit that's gone down:

Friday:
  • Flicka's is really, really odd. The band in afro's and bellbottoms doing Dr. Dre is even odd-er.
  • Captain Hook. Yes, I'm really almost sure that was you. I don't know why in the hell I'd remember your face, but when you walked by me and did that nod thing, it totally set off the gag reflex. Gross gross gross. Oh, and the crooked wang? Scary dude, scary. It was not good. Not at all. (I just realized that the wang incident happened 3 years ago, I think this month. Still not long enough away.)
  • Having a good friend tell you that you are really hot now and that if you weren't friends he'd be all over you... it only adds to the weirdness. It didn't help that I started blushing like a lobster either.
  • Hottie at the table next to me that kept subtly looking back - yesyes. I will have some of the naked.

Saturday:
  • Work, work, work.
  • Going to see Mikee perform with my dad and not only having Mike not actually playing there (despite what his schedule says) but blowing a tire on the way.
  • Sitting at the bar, throwing some back with my dad and laughing about what a bitch that tire is.
  • Crying a bit on the inside because if I want to get a free replacement tire from Discount Tire, I have to wait until Monday to get it replaced. So, that means no MetalHead unless I hitch a ride or borrow a car. Bitches!
  • Did I mention no MetalHead Sunday night? Seriously - it's sad how upset I am.

Dammit.

So yeah, and last week I think I was at a stop light next to my ex's ex-wife, and then the following day at a light next to another ex of mine from Wisconsin.

My god - apparantly I really pissed fate off because what the hell is going on?



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Friday, February 18, 2005
 
"Do you wanna eat, do you wanna sleep, do you wanna drown...?"

Dancing around the house with the music turned up to 11 is possibly one of the best things I've done in weeks.

Thank god I allowed myself to take a "mental health day". I really needed it. I was getting so MENTAL.



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A List of Notes from God

Inspired by one of those "Notes from God", my sister Kayde and I had a little too much fun on IM the other night.

Here's the best of what was there, and yes, it IS editted. I just can't decide which are my favorites...


angie: dear angie
angie: you were a practice run
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: wtf
-kayde.: -love god

angie: dear angie
angie: we both know you'll read your sisters note, so i'll save myself from writing the same thing for you.
angie: oh, and none of that love bullshit
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: done blame eve. adam was a whiney bitch.
-kayde.: love, god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: angie was supposed to be born a girl. whats that you say? she was? i guess it was all the 'mannish' that threw me off. my bad
-kayde.: -god

-------------------------

angie: dear angie
angie: your sister needs to get laid. she wont stop praying for it, but its outta my hands. get her some dick, asap.
angie: -god

-------------------------

angie: you realize im totally going to blog these
angie: heh
-kayde.: laugh

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: you are fantastic.
-kayde.: and your sister smells like cheese.
-kayde.: -god.

angie: dear angie -
angie: do i smell cheese?
angie: -god

-------------------------

angie: dear angie
angie: your sister was adopted. your genes are fucked.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: i have heard your prayers, and am afraid to inform you that both the clown midgets AND the monkeys wearing hats are backordered. we can however offer you some handicapped llamas for half price. sorry for the inconvience.
-kayde.: -god.

angie: dear kate -
angie: and by half price, i've deducted the cost of the missing limbs. i guess i shoulda said "half off".
angie: oh, and yes im a fucking comedian.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear angie -
-kayde.: those really arent your ankles are they? youve got to be fucking kidding me.
-kayde.: -god.

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear god -
-kayde.: please explain yourself. two words. ted dansen. i mean really, come on.
-kayde.: -kate.

-------------------------

angie: dear god -
angie: last night was wonderful.
angie: too bad i was alone.
angie: -angie

-------------------------

angie: dear god
angie: that isnt your real name, is it?
angie: -angie

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: so you want to know the meaning of life huh? well ill tell you. its all about the benjamins baby.
-kayde.: bling bling.
-kayde.: -god.

-------------------------

angie: dear angie -
angie: im sorry for the clown thing.
angie: the cankles, however.
angie: that shit was totally on purpose.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: remember that time you threw that wooden apple at your sisters face? oh yea, you think thats funny? well i gave you aaron. paybacks a bitch isnt it.
-kayde.: -god.

-------------------------

angie: dear angie -
angie: remember that time you got really lucky with the men?
angie: yeah, me neither.
angie: -god

-------------------------

angie: dear angie -
angie: you can't tell, but i'm mooning you right now.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear god -
-kayde.: im still waiting for my apology. because really, i didnt mean the whole apple at the eye thing.
-kayde.: -kate.

-------------------------

angie: dear angie -
angie: that "feet smelling like strawberries" used to work on lucifer too. i think that's what pissed him off.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: screw you and your filthy mouth. just for that, ill have bush get re-elected. (malicious laughter)
-kayde.: -god.

angie: dear angie -
angie: your father is a republican because i needed a good laugh.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear angie -
-kayde.: youre dad is a jackass, just because.
-kayde.: but on the bright side, i made your sister spectacular.
-kayde.: -god.

-------------------------

angie: dear angie -
angie: his middle initial is not "h".
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear kate -
-kayde.: prozac is for pussies.
-kayde.: -god.

angie: dear angie -
angie: want some prozac?
angie: -god

-------------------------

angie: dear god -
angie: i heard you are going commando.
angie: -angie

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear god -
-kayde.: i think its time you take joan rivers home.
-kayde.: -kate.

angie: dear kate -
angie: i don't take out the trash.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear world -
-kayde.: thanks for depleting the ozone. in return, please accept my gift to you - gigli.
-kayde.: -god.

angie: dear world -
angie: bennifer, however, is the work of satan himself.
angie: -god

-------------------------

-kayde.: dear satan -
-kayde.: you can have U2 back. i give up.
-kayde.: -god.



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Thursday, February 17, 2005
 
Is. Was. Will Never Be.

Someone should have warned me that when I'm cleaning out my filing cabinet to reorganize a shitty year like 2004, I'm going to need a good, stiff drink.

I'm finding receipts and utility bills and a lot of things that are bringing up some unknown pent-up irritations.

Oh, and when you are warning me, also remind me that spending 50some dollars AND an additional 9 bucks on shipping for a really thoughtful care package AFTER a breakup is really, really sad.

Angie, you are a dumbass, but at least you'll have an organized file cabinet.

And a REALLY strong Captain and Coke.



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I Spy

You.

Yes you.

You fail to realize that I can see when you stop in from time to time.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind, but really... what exactly are you hoping to see?

Is there something you are just dying to know? Is there something you feel like you haven't already heard? Did you have some unanswered question that you thought you would find an answer to?

Honestly, I can't say I mind you being here, but I just really don't see any point to it. That part of my life is well enough over, and I'm a better woman for it.

Do I have regrets? Nope.

Would I do it again? Maybe, but much differently and without all that "expectation" bullshit.

You should know though, as open and painfully honest as I seem to be here, there is a lot that I'm leaving out. Mostly because I don't need full tabs kept on me.

Got it?

Now, if there is something you want to say, or a question you have, please feel free to send an email or leave a comment here. I just may respond.

But yeah, you are so not sneaky AT ALL.



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Wednesday, February 16, 2005
 
Music To My Ears

Today, because I'm up to my chinny-chin-chin in work, I've got music bumpin.

Well, not so much "bumpin" as sorta dripping out my speakers.

That's right, I'm listening to Flickerstick, Howie Day, Jeff Buckley, and misc. other Softer Rock.

Thank God it's good stuff, or I'd worry about falling and breaking a hip.

However, if I put on anything rhyming with "Spike-l Molton", "Kahnie" or "Don Hesh" I will need someone to drive me to the home. Trust me, it will be a one-way trip.

(Yeah yeah - poet and I don't know it. Bite me.)


UPDATE:

Ok, so I had to put on Muse, because I just made myself feel really goddamn old.



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And then I said to myself: "Self. You Rock"

Apparantly I've become one of those Self-Help sort of Coming Into My Own websites, which is really pretty lame to read EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

So.

Less of the Yay for Me stuff, and more of the funny.

Now, where did I leave my sense of humor?



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Tuesday, February 15, 2005
 
Reaction Jackson

You know, I can honestly say that when I was with the ex I let myself go. I mean, really let myself go. I gained some weight (not gross amounts, but enough to make me less appealing), I was mean, I was angry, miserable and I stopped giving a shit about myself. I know it's my fault, but it's become very apparant in my life that my mind and body react to situations. When you don't feel beautiful, you don't look beautiful. I was a good lover, and a good provider. The companionship and the affection and the "being a better person when around each other" had stopped relatively early in the relationship.

I became what I was, because of who I was when I was with him.

In the past week, no less than 3 people have pulled me aside and told me that I've lost a lot of weight, and I look good. Last night, while trying on the new bras, I forced myself to my underwear and had a look.

I look, well, pretty good.

My legs are still thick - they always were. My trunk still has some junk (although it seems like a lot less). My arms still do that turkey gobbler thing, but the working out will take care of that. My pants, the ass-huggers, that I bought just before Christmas are a little saggy now. My VS bra, another Christmas present, still fits but I'm no longer busting out of it. My stomach is not flat, but it's not all thick and round either. For the first time in a long time, I could look in the mirror at my flesh and actually enjoy it. I'm starting to look pretty good, and in shedding my clothes I've managed to shed some insecurities as well.

I've become what I am because of who I am when I'm with me.

It's no secret - my weight has always been an issue, at least in my own head. It's been a rollercoaster of gain/loss as long as I can remember. From the anorexic begins of freshman year, to the pufftastic finale of senior year, and over and over again.

Truthfully, my emotions have always been a rollercoaster as well.

This time, it's different.

My skin is my skin, and I'm so happy and comfortable in it that I want to scream at the top of my lungs and pass out hugs and write a book or something. But I wont.

I've got nothing to prove. To him, to you, to anyone. My outside's catching up with my insides faster than I thought it would, and it's really, really exciting.

My goal - wear a hot swimsuit this summer for the first time in probably 10 years.

Bring it on, summer!



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Oh I totally forget

I also wanna give a sweet-sweet-love shout out to Styro and her adorable boyfriend.

They are schmoopy, but in a heartwarming, hopeful way.

If there's one guy out there that fantastic, hopefully he either has a brother or a clone.



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Monday, February 14, 2005
 
Thanks, Mom

Today, I got an awesome care package from mom, filled with new bras, great little spreaders (I'm a houseware/kitchen junkie!) and two dollars of mine she had found under the bed. Also, I got clearance from my boss to go home for my mom's spring break, which incidently falls EXACTLY when we're having company at the house here which would render me bedless.

Add onto that the nearly 2 hour nap, and today is turning out to be a damn good day!

Yay for a V-Day without drama!



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Everyone Clap - it's VD!

You know, part of me is a bitter, bitter bitch today.

But part of me is SO glad to still be single, that I get all giddy just thinking about how there are other people who NEED to be in a relationship and I am SO not one of those people. (Although I know plenty of people who are exactly like that - jumping right from one to the next...)

Yeah, I know - I whine about being alone and blahblahblah. Honestly though, there has never been a point in my life where I felt like I NEEDED to be with someone. I was raised to be strong, independent and rely only on myself, and in relationship terms, I've done exactly that. Which is something I'm really proud of.

Today though, I'm glad for my circle of happy couples, like Danica and Randy, my bff Sarah and her adorable husband Melvin (I mean Greg), Cate and the flower-sending hubbyhubs, and the Purvis-Dubek merger.

The rest of you sorry bastards who are overly schmoopy or are just a huge pile of gross, need to just stop already.

Really.

You are totally scaring us single kids.

And sweet Jesus, I really do like being single.



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heh

So I went to bed feeling (obviously) sorry for myself, had the worst date ever (in my dream) where I walked out yelling at the guy "I see you're talking to what I'm assuming is your girlfriend right there. Please wait until I'm out of earshot to talk shit." and wasted the best taco casserole on a boy EVER.

First off - what the HELL dream was that? I woke up totally bewildered, and now I can't stop laughing about it. Taco casserole? What the hell is THAT?

Secondly, this guy was a total jackass. Completely an egotistical prick. SO not my type AT ALL.

God heh. Nothing combats moodiness like being overtired and not having a good date even in your dreams.

hhhehhehe



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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Good god. MetalHead was awesome, as usual, but apparantly I was wrong about something. Terribly wrong, it seems.

You know, my CAT shows more interest, and he cant seem to give a shit.

(Welcome to the moodswings, ya'll.)

I'm feeling defeated, broken, and frankly I'm not trying on that avenue anymore...

Honestly, I feel like I'm wasting a hell of a lot of time on "just hopin' ".

So, fuck it, really. I give up.

On that note, I'm going to bed - tired, a little angry, and completely spent.

Tonight I dread going to bed alone, and it has nothing to do with what day it is. Today is my everyday, and it gets really goddamn old.

Is it too much to ask just to have a warm body there with me, and to fall asleep to someone else's breathing?

I sure dont think so.

Oh, by the way, if you notice my tear-stained pillow, please just keep that shit to yourself. Noone wants me to have to kick your observant ass. Right now, I got my dukes up, and I'm ready to defend my own fucking honor.



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Sunday, February 13, 2005
 
Pre-Holiday Cheer

Many women get candy, jewelry or flowers for Valentine's Day. Some even get a movie, dinner and sex.

I got - my period.

Yah!

It does explain the pimple parking lot going on all over my forehead.

Unfortunately though, it means tonight instead of being adorable, irresistible and one HELL of a valentine, I'll be bloated, crampy and probably in the bathroom every ten minutes.

Yay for menstruation!



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Friday, February 11, 2005
 
Note to self:

Don't go online and find a FANTASTIC house for rent and fall completely in love with it then realize you cannot afford $950 a month.

2 bedrooms, 2 baths 1,550 sq. ft....

dammit.

Who wants to win the lottery for me?



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Straw, meet camel's back.

You know, I gotta get the hell outta this house. Don't get me wrong, it's cheaper, nicer and safer than anything I could afford right now, but seriously:
  • Stop blaming me for EVERYTHING that isn't right. No, I did not spill on the carpet because I never eat there - you do. No, I didn't turn the lights off because they were on when I went outside because you had turned them on and I thought you wanted them on. No, I do not think it should be a huge issue if I leave a spoon in the sink when that greasy, funky paper towel has been on the counter for 4 days.
  • The constant talking/sound-making. Yes, I know you love to hear your own voice, but sometimes a girl has to get some work done. I thin I'm going to invest in some good headphones this week.
  • The asking where everything is. I don't have it, I have never seen it, and no I wouldn't have any use for it. I'd be willing to bet if it's missing, you misplaced it.
  • Assuming that I'm on your schedule. I'm not, deal.
  • The negativity! I know I can bitch about things more than the average girl sometimes, but EVERY. SINGLE. THING. JESUS! You're going to put me in the madhouse with this one, I swear it.
  • Oh, and really I'm no messier than you, so stop with the holier than thou crap when you try to make me feel like a pig. You and I both know that my room is cleaner than yours - bed made or not.
So. New mission.

Angie, although already putting in crazy hours for work, needs to find additional sources of income so she can move out ASAP. This is honestly wearing me down really fast. I'm starting to verbally lash out, and I don't want to become that girl.

I'm thinking about doing some freelance web work/graphic design on the side. In reality, I'll probably have to wait tables again. The thought of that really, really sucks.



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Yes. I am Boy Crazy. You can totally piss off.

Dammit.

I hadn't thought of Campbell Scott or his match.com doppelganger in ages, and then Dying Young was on today.

Why oh why does he have to be so verra hot in that movie?

Stupid ass got me all tingly.



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Anthony Schwartzman

Oh, Jason Schwartzman. You went from adorable hottness that I could eat with a spoon.

To the weird man child of Anthony Keidis.

And the new more aerodynamic eyebrows? Not so much, Jason.

NOT SO MUCH!



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I've Got Music.

It has been a long time since I've listened to music anywhere beside my car and my weekly run to MetalHead. Frankly, I had forgotten how much of an impact it has on me.

A couple days ago, I moved my speakers back onto my old computer, and put my entire Music folder back into the "shared folder", thus making it accessible from the ancient Gateway.

Honestly, that's all it took to make my heart hurt.

Music has always had an extreme and profound impact on my life. I can tell you certain milestones in my life and what track the album was on when these things happened. Certain albums are specifically tied to a minute, a day, a year.

My music folder was full of these.

There were songs that reminded me of more than one of my exes. Songs from my first apartment and my first sex. Songs from the first boy I thought I ever loved. Songs from the first boy I ever got over.

Mostly though, I found a lot of songs that scream my independence, my strength, and make me shake my ass all over the room. Trust me - I can rock out.

The song I cant stop playing: Ween - "Voodoo Lady"

I decided that I really need to find myself with someone musically able again (next time HAS to be different though!) but still - there was something really cool about me being visually creative, and the person I share my life with being musically creative. It makes for a great dynamic. We supported each others "art" and actually appreciated each other MORE because there was an unspoken commonality.

I definitely need that again.

I think that's part of my desire to actually hang out with the new bassist in my lust-o-vision. Yeah, a lot of it is purely for makeout potential, but I can actually envision more to it than that. Music DOES that to me. It makes me weak and brainless and impulsive. I get crushes based on music. I kiss people based on music. I love and lose and cry based on music.

It's vicious, really. But so glorious.

Thank you music, for making me feel whole. You have been a constant in my life, no matter what I was going through, what I was feeling, or what I was needing. You've always been there for me no matter how poorly I reciprocated.

You were my first true love, and will always be my mistress.



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Thursday, February 10, 2005
 
Almost Pulled an "Ironpants"

Sorry for the couple day span there kiddies - life's been busy as hell, and I didn't have the time to stop and smell the flowers (and by smell I mean type and by flowers I mean this post.)

So, no worries. I took a 4 hour nap, so once this nap hangover wears off, I'll be right as rain. (Whatever the hell THAT means...)

Speaking of rain - I'm really loving this. Not the horrible, allergy-ridden sinuses, but the rain... LOVE IT.



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Monday, February 07, 2005
 
Oh, and I forgot to tell you

So at the bar last night, there was a guy who I KNEW I'd seen before. By a weird set of circumstances, we met and talked a minute or two. We both recognized each other, but neither of us knew where from.

When I got home, I remembered.

match.com

I had seen this guy's thumbnail pic on match.com and I remembered him.

Seriously - wanna freak yourself out? Start remembering people from match.com that you weren't scoping out in the first place.



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It's Strange, Really

I was at MetalHead tonight, checking my voicemail, and strange enough - an old voicemail from my ex. This was the last message he left me before I told him I didn't want to speak with him anymore.

I listened to it, and it was a person I don't really recognize anymore. I mean, it sounded so foreign.

He's part of the reason I threw myself into MetalHead in the first place - I needed to spread my wings again and go out and enjoy being me.

I heard his voice and it was really, really weird.

A month ago it would have put me in a tailspin. Now, it was just someone I used to know on the phone. I didn't touch me - I've made sure of that.

I don't really remember him.

I don't remember what it was like when he kissed me, or when he touched me, or when he would sit next to me in the car or sleep next to me in bed.

All of that has been forgotten.

Granted - I remember small bits and pieces, but more like just remembering that it DID happen instead of WHAT happened. It floors me though - it would've been 3 years this year. How can you spend that long with someone and just not remember. I see pictures of him here and there, and it's like - "I know that guy" instead of "I loved that guy".

You know, I don't even remember what it felt like to be that disappointed, or let down, or hurt as deeply and horribly as he hurt me. I mean, I know I was taken advantage of; my feelings and my love and my life were totally not handled the way someone should handle such delicate things.

I'm not angry with him. I probably should be, or should have been, and in a lot of ways I was. But a lot of our relationship was me forgiving him, so I guess I never allowed myself to get as mad and as defensive as I should have been. I have no hard feelings though, and I don't regret a thing.

He loved me, I know that. As much shit as he put me through, he loved me the best way he could - the only way he knew how.

It just wasn't enough.



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Sunday, February 06, 2005
 
Valentine's Schmalentines

I've decided - Love is for suckers.

Heavy petting, however... That could just lead to something promising.

Oh, and by the way - you are all my valentines, like it or not.



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Yeah, Not So Much

So, apparantly I'm "somewhat interesting" and a decent/tolerable choice because the other chicks aren't panning out.

Yeah. That REALLY makes me want to go out with you. Especially when it's now like, what, a whole week later?

Thanks man, thanks.

(And by thanks I mean totally "No thanks".)

Oh, and Giselle was right - you ARE a fucktard.



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Saturday, February 05, 2005
 
Where to begin...?

Well, very first I have to wish my oldest and dearest friend Sarah a happy goddamn birthday. You had better believe that I'm calling your ass later - I dont CARE if you're at the San Diego Zoo.

Now that THAT'S outta the way...

Thursday night. JESUS. I went and did my usual OC shindig at my friends Rob & Joy's house. We had wine, great food, and a lot of fun. Afterward, I came home, changed, and headed up to Ra to meet the Linz for her Birthday Drunktacular. We drank, bar hopped, laughed, sang, got up on stage and shook our ass (me! Mike!), met some mildly interesting boys, heard hip-hop at an old hang (which confused the SHIT out of us), fell down, spent 50 bucks on a case of beer, played with the dogs, had breakfast, threw away the hat, and went home. It was definately one of the best nights I've had in awhile - I got to see old faces, missed friends, and party like it was 1999. Unfortunately, my sober ass didn't roll in until like 4:30 am, which is WAY past my elderly bedtime. Still though - it's good to see those peeps again.

Friday I was hoping to get to paint the town with the loverly Cate, but alas, trumped by Lacrosse once again.

Tonight... We'll see. It's all based on how today flies. I have a shitload to do, as I was a lazy bitch yesterday and accomplished very little. So, I get to work. On my Saturday. AGAIN.

woohoo!



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Wednesday, February 02, 2005
 
Dear Internet -

I am so sorry.

I have not been honest with you.

I have failed to tell you something about me that could change the way you feel about me. It could make you think that I am weak and foolish.

I AM weak. I AM foolish.

I have to tell you this right now, before I change my mind.

Internet -

I AM ADDICTED TO MCDONALDS ICE CREAM CONES.

It's unbelievable. I'll need a support group or something. I just cant stop with the cones.

I mean, did you know that if I only ate cones for an entire month, my food budget would only have to be $18.90? Does the fact that I did that in my head as I was eating a cone make my situation worse?

What about the fact that honestly if a guy took me out one night, and then we drove through McDonald's for a cone, that he would amass so many points with me, that I may just end up in a chapel in Vegas?

Or, when asked what I wanted for my birthday sweet, the only words that passed from my lips were "McDonalds... cone...". I was even offered Cold Stone, but I'm no traitor.

I'm horrified that it had to come to this, Internet. I'm sorry I kept this from you, and made you think I was stronger than I really am.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wipe the ice cream from my chin.



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Tuesday, February 01, 2005
 
Whaddaday

Firstly, I'd like to say a few words in thanks for today...

To you, funny guy in the white car at the gas station: If we woulda hit each other, at least I would have your phone number.

To the driver of the black pick-up who I passed on Guadalupe: Me-ow.

To the yummy Naked Berry smoothie: You do me so right.

To having more things to do today than time to do it in: Damn you, 24 hour days! DAMN YOU!

Secondly, I've noticed a lot more of you from Phoenix stopping in to pay my sorry ass a visit. Unfortunately though, I only know about half of you. Other half - stand up and show yourselves! Honestly I'd love to see who else is lurking around here.



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Well I'll Be Dipped in Shit

(Eww. Not really.)

Tonight I received a pretty funny response from the one match.com person who made me laugh my ass off. He seems to have the exact same sense of humor as me, although a little goofier, so this could be the start of a great friendship.

Beyond that? Who knows. He's pretty cute, seems like a great time, etcetc.

But - I'm just starting to dip my toes back into dating again. And while I actually think I've tossed out most of my baggage, I'm still a little wary about trusting men again. So, don't expect any great stories from match.com just yet. I'd rather meet someone in person and jive that way than have to go through all the getting-to-know-that-you-aren't-a-killer online stuff and then starting the person-to-person thing.

So complicated!

I will say I am totally ready to date again, though.

In fact, I can't wait.



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