Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Not dead, I swear...
I sorta failed to mention, I'm in Wisconsin. That's why I'm sort of MIA right now.
I'll be back next week, but I'll try to post before then.
Yay for cheese!
Saturday, March 26, 2005
"You talk too much"
I have been reading Rob
since before Schuyler was born. Actually, since WAY before she was born. (I even have a Darn-Tootin' bumper sticker on my car). I've talked to Rob here and there via emails over the years, and I feel like I know
them a little, even though we've never met.
I feel compelled to help Schuyler in her battle against her "monster". Unfortunately, I'm really not able to donate monetarily, but I want to lend a hand by putting the link button under my linklist in the right hand column, hoping that someone else out there can do what I cannot.
I'm not usually a big fan of people asking for donations, but this is different. It's lifechanging.
She seems to be one of the most amazing kids out there, and dammit if I can't help her find her voice, even if it's just making more people aware of her.
So, peeps, if you can send money, please do. If you can't send money, click the button to take you to where you can add a button of your own.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Today can just bite my ass
Between the disappointing email from the hubs Howie, to the stress of it being one of the most stressful and annoying workdays EVER, I think I need a drink. Or five.
But, lucky ol' me has family here, who would totally frown upon the Drunken Angie.
I do have a hookup for cheap drinks tonight, but then I'd have to cab it or drive, neither of which I can afford to do because I cannot cash my check until at LEAST tomorrow.
Hopefully there will be some RAGING pants love on Sunday, or I am so totally going to Wisconsin a bitter bitter girl.
Too bad my sister's hot new boyfriend's hot brothers are all taken, because I could totally get all up in that stuff.
So. Yeah. Anyway
Here's my new plan, thanks to one Super Velma
Sunday Night: MetalHead, then makeout party with a certain hotness and lots of face babies, then hitch a ride to the airport where I'll be flying to Wisconsin at 6:30 am.
That sounds like the best plan EVER.
No, really though. I have NO idea how the hell I'm getting to the airport. This could be very, very bad news.
For Like 2 Seconds, I WAS Somebody
Can you imagine how much I peed my pants when I saw this?
Total peepee pants.
AND, as it turns out, he was only telling me he'd be on Regis and Kelly, like I'd sit through THAT trainwreck just to see my husband in action.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Excerpt from him to me, but completely indirectly"And the world's got me dizzy again
You think after twenty-two years I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away
A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away"
Excerpt from Bright Eyes - "Landlocked Blues"
Damn, I love this this song, and for reasons totally unrelated to any of my exes.
It just kinda pokes me in the heart, and lifts my chin a little more.
Good stuff, fo real.
Oh, and because I'm the lamest self help guru EVER
Poop. Boobs. Sex. Drugs. Rock n Roll.
Jesus Christ, I gotta lay off the "inspirational" posts. This place has gotten so LAME!
Bring on the sass!
More on the Angie Tip
Spending this past few days getting to know my little nephew really has made me realize that it wasn't me that changed, it was my perceptions that had changed.
There are those who are supposed to be parents, and those who aren't.
For about the last year, I thought I was the latter.
Turns out, it wasn't that I didn't want them, it is that I guess I knew that I didn't want them with him.
Nono - before you go telling me how hurtful that is, let me clarify. Someday, if he decides he does want them, he will be a great father. He has a lot of amazing qualities that I hope to god don't die off with him. However, we were not meant at the stage we were at, or the stage we hovered around, to EVER be the best parents we could have been. We, in that state, would have been HORRIBLE parents, and I'm glad that it didn't progress into parenthood.
Someday, if he decides to have kids, I hope it's at a stage in his life where he's really ready, because he's got the potential to be a great dad.
I know that I'm definately nowhere near ready to squeeze a life out of my netherparts, but that I really, really am a mom waiting for the right time. In the meantime, I'm loving being single and free and when the time is right, it will just happen.
Besides, I'm still very satisfied being a damn cool aunt.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
My Life, Less Ordinary
Here's to a wonderful night hanging out with great friends. They are some dear friends of my ex, but I've gotten to know them better quite recently and they are amazing people. They make me not only respect them more, but respect the ex more for the good things that made me adore him in the first place.
It's not meant to be, of course, and it had to come to this.
But still, no hard feelings, no regrets, and definately still friends.
It was never supposed to come to this, but in all honesty, I wouldn't have it any other way. "Unfortunately Single" is turning out to be a fantastic color on me.
And yeah, this being friends again thing - I really think it can totally work. When you take away all the issues with the relationship as a relationship
, we always were great friends. Let's not screw it up this time, ok?
Monday, March 21, 2005
See, now THIS is a Monday
I'm busy as hell, stressed out, and more tired than I have been in ages.
Shoot. me. now.
See what happens when I don't get my weekly injection of Metal?
(mmmm... weekly injection of Metal)
Sunday, March 20, 2005
My Name is Angie, and I am NOT an Alcoholic
Yes, I know that it looks like I drink all the time. So completely not true.
And, for the record, I thought last night was going to be a rager, but it wasn't AT ALL.
This past week I have been out almost every night. For those who know me, going out even once a week with anyone who I do not live with is a big deal. I NEVER go out. In the past two years my social life had dwindled down to something resembling a dried prune - it used to be sweet as hell, but then it turned into something only the elderly or those with intestinal issues hang out with.
Yes, I had no life.
Then, there was MetalHead (which you can see I am not at tonight). This basically allowed me my one night of freedom and social interaction a week. You see, I work mostly from home. When I do get to go into the office, I get to see all my co-workers. And when I say "co-workers" I mean the only other person that works in the office - my boss.
So you see - NO LIFE.
This week I allowed myself (while maintaining my responsibilities) to get out of the house as much as possible (every day but Monday and Friday - I even went out today and am supposed to go for lunch tomorrow). Not to get shitfaced, not to blow cash, but just to see other people who are not my father or my boss.
And it was grand.
I've had more fun in the past week than I am used to, so tonight, MetalHead will have to go on without me. My social ass is T-I-R-E-D.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Oh crap, I'm getting loaded.
I guess that's what happens when I hang out with my dad's friends. Thank sweet jesus I'm at home.
mmm... Captain Morgan.
I am TOTALLY from Venus
So, not only did Sarah
write a great post
which I can relate to SO MUCH, but she also directed me here
, and oh god is it right on. I can honestly say the only one I don't really do is #27, but I'm probably guilty of that at one time or another...
Oh, and #29, not so much. It's a hatbox, and frankly it's because I don't know what to do with the stuff. Usually I toss the stuff upon starting my next relationship, at least, thats the pattern thusfar. But no, I don't get nostalgic and I don't save it in case we get back together. Sucka, please. I may not make great decisions, but I surely won't make the same bad one twice.
Ok, This Can't Be Good...
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, March 19:
Oh, here we go. For the next three weeks, if anything can go wrong, it will. That's where your sense of humor and ability to see silver linings in every cloud will absolutely come in handy. Use them often.
See, I take these things with a grain of salt, usually they are so general and so void of anything even remotely "me" that they aren't a worry.
This one, however, sounds like I wrote it. That's trouble right there.
And, with the recent outbreak of Happy Tiding-itis (still smiling!) this is really not the direction I want it to turn.
Here's to hoping this horoscope is yet another crock of shit.
Friday, March 18, 2005
These are the days that make me glad to be alive
If I don't stop fucking smiling, my cheeks will go on strike.
Can I just say, finally, that I'm really in a good place? I mean, I've been doing a kick-ass job and being damn strong post-breakup, but the past few days?
I haven't been happy like this in ages (and no, I'm stone-cold sober right now). I've been hanging out with friends almost nightly (ok, so nightly) and had a conversation tonight with my old roommate that makes me feel way better about the way things ended. For a long time, I felt like due to circumstances in the relationship (not with him) and the living situation, that I really became very un-nice. Turns out, he thought he was the mean one. We've been fine since, but it's nice to know there were never any hard feelings.
My ex and I are definately on speaking terms again, and honestly, it's great. I wish him the best, and I hope he finds his way. Too bad we had to go and fuck it all up with that whole
"relationship lovey dovey co-habitating" bullshit. But we coo', and it's fun.
The Project of Doom that I've been busting my ass for over a month on (that's what's been keeping me away from here) is at the printer. I went in for proof-checks today, and it's really great. I should totally get a gold star for this one.
So, tonight I was Faux-Irish. Firish, if you will. (Well, I AM fiery...) I stayed way too long and drank way too little (someone's gotta drive home) but it was a fantastic time, and I'm glad I got to celebrate with my peeps.
Now, I'm going to bed, with the Snugglemonster Roo and my shit-eating grin.
Very. great. day.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Piercing the Walls of Earhole
I've added music to the right hand column. Sort of a "What Is Angie Listening To" section because there is nothing in this world I like better than possibly getting people to hear music they've never heard before. I've made them link to either Amazon or the Artist's website, to save you the time of using Google when you could be downloading porn.
Let it be known - some of it may be "mainstream", some may be "indie", some may be "older than dirt", and some may be "What the Hell?". That's my musical tastes in a nutshell.
Please Join Me in My Nuptuals
It's the Wedding of the Century!
Me and Howie Day.
Oh, EXCUSE me.
Howie Day and I.
Seriously. If Ashlee "Poser" Simpson can land Ryan "The Other Howie Day" Cabrera, then I totally have a shot. She's annoying and talentless and have you seen what she wears?
I rest my case.
So, you're all invited. Now, someone just has to pass this on to Howie...
Hi, My Name is Angie, and I Sometimes Make Really Bad Decisions When I've Been Drinking.
Please, please, since I apparantly opened up this window, do not let it bite me in the ass.
I will say, however, a big high-five for closure! Thank sweet god I'm not at a place where I can get sucked back in. If that was the case, I would ask you, internet, for an intervention and an ex-orcism and bring this Way Back machine to a screeching halt.
Really. I'm totally up front about it. This could be the worst decision ever. Oh, and yeah - whatever.
Tonight actually ended up being better than I had planned.
I went out with some friends and got to say what I needed to say.
I've, while not wanting the relationship to start again or anything even similar to that, actually emailed the ex and felt nice about it. It really is good to hear from him again, even though it started with me being Super Bitch tonight.
I'm feeling great, and I'm not blaming the booze.
So - I may be friends with the ex again. Is that so wrong? I thought I needed to never speak with him again, but now that I have opened that door again, and realized how fine I actually am with all of it, we may be a few steps back to friends.
Personally - that's the true test for me. Coming full circle and being completely content with being just friends after everything that we went through.
Well, There You Go
I got a pretty nice email from the ex tonight, cementing why I don't refer to him as "dick" or "asshole" or "cocksucker". He isn't any of those things, and he isn't a bad person - he just wasn't meant for me and wasn't, well, ready
for me. He read the previous 2 posts, and my email, and actually responded back - which was exactly like him and why sometimes I still think that it wasn't the WORST decision I ever made, just not the best...
(Oh, and for the record, I never thought he WOULDNT pay it, it was more like he COULDNT. He always had the best intentions, but intentions alone cant pay the rent...)
But yeah - dude. I know we aren't really speaking, and I know that you're all shacked up and stuff, but no hard feelings, and for fuck's sake - no regrets.
I don't regret a thing.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Negative Nelly, or Nancy, or whatever the hell her name was
I have some important things to say:
1. Captain Morgan, tonight, is the Nectar of the Gods.
2. I am boycotting any more work tonight, and I'm feeling really chatty, so if anyone wants to chat, drop me an email and I'll give you my IM username.
2(a). I will not bitch about my ex.
2(b). I cannot promise to be sober, coherant, or a good speller. However, I'm twice as funny when I'm drinking, so look out.
Catching Flies with Vinegar
So I just wrote a lengthy post directed at the most recent of the Ex Brigade, about how I just got a collection letter in the mail from our old apartment. You remember the one - we got it because he could pay, and left it because he couldn't- and it actually stirred up some residual anger.
I wrote the post because I know he reads here from time-to-time, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to break my "I don't think we should talk anymore" vow because other than this new issue, I've finally felt pretty free without the weight of that bringing me down. Unfortunately, I can't count on him reading here to keep me from paying his $950 half, so I had to send an email, and can the post.
No, it wasn't sweet and nice, but I don't feel like I have a lot to say when I open up a letter directed entirely to me about money WE owe. I am re-mad about this, and usually with me sheer anger and hurt tend to go for walks hand in hand, so it looks like it will be a night of heavy drinking and complete denial that any of this ever happened.
Noone ever said life was easy, but good god - this girl deserves a break sometimes.UPDATE:
You know what? Fuck that.
I am not going to be THAT girl.
The girl who has been so strong who gets so irate over something like this.
I refuse to let anything stemming from that relationship to anger me anymore.
No regrets, right?
So tonight, instead, I will drink to my freedom. I will drink to having been strong enough to still love someone so much that it was hard to breathe, but to know when it was not the best thing for me to do anymore. I will drink to having the strength to have come this far and not looked back. I will drink to having the strength to deal with this best way I know how, and still not look back.
He can't still upset me like this. That relationship used to make me feel like this EVERY DAY, and I just won't allow it anymore.
So, I will go out, have a smoke, drink my drink, and know that I'm just fine.
Better, actually. Better than ever.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Note to Self:
You had totally forgotten, but you should probably delete the friendster testimonials to/from the ex. It's just less creepy that way.
Oh, and yeah - it IS creepy. I really have pretty much forgotten that whole thing (although bits and pieces come to me now and then) so when I see things that talk about how good
it was, not only do I not believe it (due to memory lackage), but it's like someone was posing as me and it is just CREEPY.
There's a Lot More, But I really Gotta Say This
Three of my biggest pet peeves:
- People who believe they are always correct, and basically tell people that their information is not only based on fact, but is "the way of the world" and imply that even the dumbest of the dumb know that as fact. Then, basically, making you feel like a dipshit for believing otherwise.
- Said people then spouting off facts that are not necessarily true or false, but are terribly skewed by political bias and misinformation.
- Said people THEN trying to make everyone believe that their DOCTRINE (no religious implication here) is actually the way things are.
Dude, no. Just no.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Wise in Spite of my Years or She Blinded Me with Science
(Once again, I blame my indecisiveness)
I'm on the steady decline from a torturous week. It's not over yet, but I'm becoming more and more familiar with the feeling of just breathing
I've realized in the past week the complete and unbiased kindness of strangers, and the sheer pettyness of those deemed more important. At this point, with the exception of some dear friends (you know who you are), I'd take the company of the strangers any day.
All in all, these little scrap paper wisdoms that people have given me without thinking how much they may impact me, have, well, impacted me. You people with your kindness and your patience and these little tidbits of just REAL really make me understand why it is that I am who I am - not fake, not plastic... I am real because I know what it feels like to be around the real. It's an amazing thing when you can talk to someone and know that you are talking to them and not the "them" that's pulled out with the fancy linens and the fine wine.
(Oh, and yes, I'm including you in there. You've been one of the consistantly nicest strangers to even bother with that few moments, and I appreciate it with all that I am.)
Tonight I realized that I have an alter-ego. I've known about my "Science Nerd" interior for some time, but part of me almost... al-most decided tonight to persue other interests. That's one thing ya'll should know about me, if it hasn't become painfully clear yet.
I'm not in it for the money.
I never have done ANYTHING for the money really, besides the need to pay my bills. I mean, I've waitressed to pay for school and whatnot, and worked my ass off lately to pay my bills, but deep down, I mean, DEEEEEEP down, I'm never going to be one of them. You know, one of those people who uses their money to define them. Yes, I like to buy myself things from time to time. Sure, I splurge now and then. But, I do that because I feel like I've made a sacrifice to do that. Want new shoes? Work more hours. Etc. Etc. I have never dated for money, or been friends for money, or even tried to play off like I have it. It just isn't that important to me.
But I digress.
What I meant to say before I got all wordy was that I thought about giving all of THIS up (whatever this silly life I lead is) and go back to school and be a science nerd. Basically cementing my life of pauperdom and coupon-clipping. All in the name of science.
Yes. You heard me right.
It was the choice of mathmatician, astronomer or archeologist.
In my other life, my BIZARRO life, I'm definately one of the three.
In this life, however, I'm just an overworked artist still trying to find her way. A simple girl who knows when the kindness of strangers really can turn the world around. And one who understands that being real is the only way to be.
Thank you, all, for being real right back.
Hi, My Name is Angie, and I Work Here
- I tend to doubt my abilities.
- I second guess myself a lot.
- I am confident in who I am, but not necessarily what I can do.
- I have the skills, but I tend to not demonstrate them.
- I am unsure a lot.
- I don't want to screw it up so badly sometimes, that I make it even worse.
- I am easily intimidated by the unfamiliar.
- I have a hard time saying what I mean sometimes.
- I can sound really stupid for someone with my intelligence.
- I work harder than I should, and I don't give myself enough boundaries.
Who are you?
Thursday, March 10, 2005
I can be such a letdown
I know I know - some time ago I promised to help a lot of you with some web stuff.
And then I went and got all busy.
Well, screw that - I want to keep my word.
Just remind me - who wants what again, and I'll get 'er dun.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Crazy? I was crazy once...
For those of you who may have been up in the wee hours today, yes, there was a post here.
But, I've since removed it. Call it an act of "self-censorship" and know that I totally have my reasons. It's not like the situations where a certain person/people can't read it, I just know that it would've been assumed to be my normal state of mind and honestly, that's as far from the truth as can be. And I mean that the assumption would've been made by a certain individual, and we just can't have that now, can we?
Don't worry, you aren't missing anything, except this goddamn PMS. Oh, and trust me, if you know me, you wouldn't miss that AT ALL.
Monday, March 07, 2005
I'm alive, busier than I've been in a long time, but alive.
I'll be back more often as of hopefully this weekend, I swear.
Just know, though, that things are going pretty well for this old gal, and I've got the undereye circles to prove it.
Friday, March 04, 2005
For one week, one WHOLE week, I had the house to myself.
It was calm, nice and quiet (I can hear the current phone call OVER the earbuds turned up almost to full - and that's 2 rooms away), but most of all, free of the "let's try to make Angie feel like a dipshit so she learns a lesson" routine.
Let's just say in the past 8 hours, this has resurfaced at least twice, and I've been home alone at least half that time.
Angie is feeling very, very suffocated. My internal independent woman is screaming at the top of her lungs.
Anything and Everything
(Yes, I know that was the title to that email. I just like the way it sounds.)
Things are really, really busy, and I can honestly say that as productive as the past 2 weeks have been, I'm spent.
I could really use a good breakfast, a nap, and a gym pass but none of those are panning out for me.
Hopefully by the time I go back to WinnySconSin at the end of March, I'll either be desperately ready to get out of Phoenix, or ready to finally relax
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Things not necessarily better left unsaid
You know, I'm struggling to write the words as I want them to read. They all come into my head, but they are not forming a single line and sentence structure like they should. There's a lot to tell, and in some ways, nothing at all. My life is my life, and I live it everyday with no expectations and no requirements. When anything changes, it seems much bigger that way.
Things are definately bigger, but as much as I want to tell about all the little things, I want to wait until they've had time to grow. We'll see what every day brings, and if it's notable, I'll definately spill it.
Otherwise, I can tell you this - this post is not what you think. Really. So don't go getting all "oooooo" on me - it ain't that way, baby.