Tuesday, February 28, 2006
 
Two Things, then a Date with the Sandman
  1. It's my sister's birthday. (Well, for another 57 minutes.) Wish her well in my comments, since she never does her own damn site anymore.
  2. I FINALLY updated the earhole. Seriously. Baby steps people - I've got a couple site redos for people and I'm working mad hours, but there will be slow but sure changes all up in he-ah.
Ok, my ass needs sleep. Happy Freakin' Birthday, hoebag.



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Sunday, February 26, 2006
 
Shoot me now

I gave the "set up" my number.

I didn't mean too- I'm well over half in the bag. (Who am I kidding - the longer I sit here, the more hammered I get. Damn $1 jack and cokes. Damn beers bought for me. Damn the fact that my ATM card was confiscated by my bank's ATM... I know - WTF?)

He's a really nice guy, but I'm not looking for that, or anything right now.

He's actually pretty cool, but not my taste... and he had to recently move back home. At 37.

I've done that before. Not doing it again.

He said he's calling me tomorrow. How do I do this and still be friends with the guy without being super bitch? I mean, I think I gave him the wrong idea unintentionally - I'm a really nice girl at heart.

Shit.

Whoops.

Here's to turning my new cell phone on silent tomorrow.

Dammit.

My first day back in the saddle and I'm already screwing it up.



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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
 
Nutshell
  1. I'm very, very busy.
  2. I now work about 55 hours total in 6 days. And the majority of it is really, really busy.
  3. I only get Sundays off now, but never to myself.
  4. The apartment situation is progressing, although slowly. With the added income, it should be done in a few weeks.
  5. My ex's 2 best friends have unsuccessfully set me up once this week, and we'll see if the second attempt pans out tomorrow. Both of these guys are people my ex knows. That's what happens when you live in a small town, I guess. Too bad, so sad... you know?
  6. Oh, heh, and the guy my ex's mom is dating makes deliveries in my new job every day. Fan-tastic. I didn't tell him we broke up. I'll let his mom realize his dumbassedness.
  7. Did I mention I'm freaking busy?
  8. PK, I'll email you - seriously. I just have to be able to come up for air. If I wasn't sick this week we'd already be talking. Worst case scenario is I start throwing it together Sunday.
  9. My eating habits have gone to shit. First paycheck gets me a gym membership, and once I have my own place that will be much better.
  10. There's the chance that Angie could actually get some in the next couple weeks. That would rock, especially since I haven't gotten any since last year (Halloween?).
  11. Lately I've been missing the hell out of Danica & Randy, Linzo, and Robb & Joy. Miss you kids to death. Get here soon. Oh, and Sarah - we will so play ASAP.
  12. I got a new cell phone on Ebay. We'll see if it A) works and B) actually gets sent.
  13. I'm going to bed now. Apparantly I've got the stamina of grandparents. Interpret that however you wish.



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Sunday, February 19, 2006
 
Yow.

I didn't delete that post, but I hid it.

That, kids, is my equivalent of drunken dialing, except I wasn't drunk (I was buzzed) and I was waaaaaaaaaaay overtired.

I don't contact my exes, I post about them.

Sorry 'bout that. Situation is back to normal.



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Wednesday, February 15, 2006
 
Post VD

Actually, yesterday turned out splendedly, even with all of the weird things that happened. I had a fantastic dinner, watched girl movies, wore my favorite pajamas and felt like a million bucks. Who needs a date when you can get all that stuff from yourself?

Today? So far so good.



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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
 
Men are SO from fucking Mars

Get this.

No, GET THIS.

I just got an email from HIM wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day, telling me he was sorry we haven't talked (it's been a full week, jackass) and explaining that he was really sick on Sunday and it isn't going away.

Oh, and he hopes I had a good week and wants me to call him when I can.

First thing I did? Ran crying to my mom because I was SO pissed and STUNNED that anyone could be that completely moronic.

Secondly? Forwarded it to both my sister and my best friend, who both would seriously kick my ass if I ever decided to actually FORGIVE this behavior and get back together with him.

No way man. No way.

You know, it's funny. A. - he must not know me at all to think that I would tolerate this sort of behavior for a fucking minute after the shitstorm he's put me through both in our relationship and in the past week and B. - this now gives me license to say that I broke up with him.

Suck it asshole. You had your window. I would've given you the world DESPITE our problems. Now, you're lucky if you get the bird and a bruise on your ass from where the door hit you on your way out.

Man that just steams me.



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Meh

I'll email the details of my pee cup flub later, but I have to vent.

Today is the suck.

I'm going to go rent the remainder of the Sex & the City dvds, and watch them in my pajamas.

Man.

I refuse to cry at work.

REFUSE.

[Update:]

I am far less bitter and even less sad than before.

I will introduce Pinky when I get home from work, but I will tell you that this little pink monkey totally made my day.

I {heart} my friends.

For real.



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Monday, February 13, 2006
 
Valentine's, Schmalentine's

You know, I thought I would get all festive for myself, and buy myself flowers etc., but now I'm just feeling like tomorrow I just want to go pee in a cup and come back to bed.

This seems to sum it up completely.



[FYI - I'm not feeling all woe is me. I still chalk this up as a great decision, and I'm excited to be single again. I just do not need to have this holiday shoved in my face tomorrow. Not. in. the. mood.]



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Working Girl

Thanks to your good juju, internet, I have to pee in a cup tomorrow.

Apparantly I'm their #1 choice.

Yay for drug screening! Yay for jobs that require me to be there at 7:30 am on Saturdays!



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A Case of the Mondays

First off - PA visitor, thanks for backing off. Really - I love it when people visit, even more than once a day. But that often isn't necessary. Get Bloglines! That's what I use to read everyone else.

Anyway - this weekend.

PHWEW.

I DID, in fact, dress up like a schoolgirl and head to a party I will not be able to forget any time soon. At first, my new persona was quite fun - I played it up as much as I could. The longer I was there, though, my mind wandered back to my new-found singletude. I guess I hit a point of vulnerable, said my goodbyes, and my schoolteacher friend (hah!) and I headed back to town. There was a brief moment of tears on the way to the car - the first I'd had in days.

We get into town and head to the fanciest bar in the area - both of us still in costume (I was wearing thigh highs and a little jumper. Scandal!) I walk in and go figure, it's a good portion of my friends here - all of whom are friends with the ex. Soon everyone was hugging and laughing and then it came out:

"How's Boy doing?"

I don't know if it was the cocktails or the night or the week in general, but there was a bit of welling that did not go unnoticed by his best friend.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry... I had no idea."

He didn't, either. Neither did anyone else. And they were not happy with him, whatsoever. In fairness though, I didn't talk shit. I told them I didn't want to get into details, and they wanted them. I was mad, but I was understanding, and I just explained how he ended it and that he needs to figure out what he wants before he can make anyone happy.

"He's an idiot! Doesn't he know that he was lucky to get you?" "Shit Angie. We couldn't figure out why a girl like you would date him in the first place, and then he has to go and fuck it all up." "Oh hun, you are DEFINATELY still our friend. And actually, we like you more than we like him right now."

It's funny. All of this time I've been having panic attacks and bouts of tears because I thought I was sad losing the relationship. Turns out, I was even MORE sad about losing our friends. A couple of them are supposed to get in touch with me this week. We'll see if that happens, but I feel very, very relieved.

On the bad end though, I still cant keep food down. It's better, but not good. My head's feeling much better, but my stomach just can't hang. Looks like there's a Post-Breakup Diet happening, and it isn't even intentional.



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Sunday, February 12, 2006
 
Ok - not cool

So yeah - I see you. You in that city in Pennsylvania.

First you leave comments which make absolutely no sense. Now, you check my website every 4 minutes or upwards of 20 times a day, whichever comes first. I have statcounters with your IP all over them. No offense, that's just weird.

You're here more than I'm here.

Listen, I appreciate the visits, but yeah - stop the insane refreshing, or I'll block you from my site.

Period.

I know how to write code, and I can do that.

Sorry to seem harsh, but I'm not a big fan of being creeped out.



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Saturday, February 11, 2006
 
Speaking of Wild

There a very big chance I'm going out tonight dressed like a schoolgirl.

It's a costume party and my girlfriends don't want me to wallow.

I don't know - this could be really awful, or exactly what I need.

It would give me the opportunity to test drive the new haircut...



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Wild Times

To the older gentleman in front of me at Kmart who bought 12 containers of Wet Wipes and nothing else, and had an "atomic wristwatch", please don't have too much fun today. I don't want to hear about you on the news.



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Home is where... no, wait...

My major hang-up for apartment hunting is I don't want to stick myself somewhere where I am not happy, or feel any more stuck than I already am. I could stay in town, as I do want to stay friends with those that were our friends, without it being too weird. They are good people, and I still feel privileged to know them.

But.

If his pattern holds true, there will be a "someone else" in the next couple weeks, which I really don't want to run into so soon. I can handle it, but it will be really, really weird. Especially if he treats me the same way he treated his last ex - playing "our song"s to the new girl, and telling her that we were nothing serious and that we didn't really mean anything.

I want to be far away from all of that. Back on the path I should be on, instead of this weird detour I took some 5 years ago. But I don't know where to start. I think I want to be in a big city. Even after all of this - Chicago still draws me. It's not like I'd run into him.

I dunno. Chicago seems to have greater opportunity for me. It seems to have more of what I need, more people, more interest... Yet, I don't know how much of a fish out of water I would be there. I love the big city, but I have no connections there. I'd have to find an apartment and a job... I'd have to do a lot of things, including figure out exactly what I want/need to do with myself.

Right now, I was thinking the plan is to get an apartment in town (which doesn't sound like a great idea to me, but it's cheap) and then work my ass off and save money and find a great job. Then, move the hell outta Dodge and on to bigger and better.

I don't want to be trapped here anymore. It was ok before because I had a partner in crime who was from here, and we had friends here. Now I've got a handful of friends, if that, and no other reason to be here.

What do ya'll think? My best friend Sarah (who was also friends with the ex) has given me some great advice on what to do, and I think what she's said is a great idea, but now I'm getting that bug in my butt to do something drastic.

Opinions welcomed.



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Just Breathe

I had a rager of a panic attack this morning.

As panic attacks go, it wasn't bad. Considering before this week I'd only ever had one, and now I'm up to 4, that isn't a good sign. It just happened, and it hurt, both physically and emotionally.

What is freaking me out so bad? So someone dealing with some issues that I can't handle cut the cord. And?? I think though, that this is only the first or second time the guy has been the one to end things. I'm ALWAYS the person, and usually after it's well past its prime. But this time, as realistically ready as I am for it to just be over, and for how logical it is to not be in something so destructive to me, my heart is still in flux. I mean, I don't feel as in love as I did yesterday, and even less than the day before. And it amazes me - how can I still even remotely love someone who would treat anyone like that, especially me.

Matters of the heart and matters of the head are, well, two seperate matters entirely. Just when I've got one under control, the other decides to second-guess everything - my life, my loves, myself. This time is definately less hard than the last, as it had not gone as far. In some ways though, it is worse, as my heart was basically thrown back at me in a gesture similar to throwing rocks. Aim and force didn't matter, as long as it was far enough and hard enough that I wouldn't want to play anymore.

And I dont. No time soon, anyway. All of this at the one time of year where you are extra-sensitive about celebrating love.

I'm doing alright, internet, for real. There's this huge gorilla off my back, and even though my body is adjusting back to life sans-gorilla, I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Again.



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Friday, February 10, 2006
 
TGIF, bitch

I think I can handle this "being single again" thing. My head is clearer today, and although I still have my moments of panic, tears, and anger, they are fewer and farther between.

Plans for my future have been tweaked again, but this time it's way less idealistic and considerably more realistic. I know to some extent what I should do, and what I have to do. (Unfortunately I have no idea where to do it.) This time, it's without the potential of possibly living as part of a two instead of as just me. It's actually better that way - living for myself completely without the comprimises I've had to make in being only 1/2.

I know this is really cliche', but it's true:
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.



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Thursday, February 09, 2006
 
Ridiculous, indeed

My stomach hurts, my head is spinning, my eyes want to well (no welling! - ok, that alone will make me cry), the trembling has resurfaced, the bottom lip is quivering, and it feels like a sumo wrestler is sleeping on my chest.

Looks like the numbness has passed.

Time to turn on more S&TC.



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Valentine's Love, Redux

I've just taken a wee break from making Valentine's cards with my sister and my 2 and 5 year old nephews. THIS is what makes Valentine's Day a holiday to me. Unconditional love from these two kids.

Cutest moment ever:

Fingerprint stamping (little hearts!)with the 2 year old.


I've been thinking about sending out Valentine's anyway this year, possibly snarky ones (ones without any sort of dig on the ex - that's not cool). Any suggestions?



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Here's a funny story

I just called my local Blockbuster, and had them call district and send a memo out to all Chicago stores/store managers that a certain so-and-so is no longer allowed to rent on my card. This should be quite amusing when he goes in tomorrow for his usual Friday morning movie rentals and has been black-balled.

heh

Do you think that will render me a phone call? If it does, there will be a fan full of shit. hhhehehe

Note to self: do not put any boy EVER on anything that has your account info on it. I was being nice, and it could've burned my ass.



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Thursday's Specials

I don't want to go into any more detail than this, but stories are coming out of the woodwork. (OH MY GOD - he could be the biggest liar ever.) I have completely made the right decision, and I'm sorry I even used this forum to talk about him. You people are the bestest.

Today is a day of being in complete and total shock, but I actually slept well, had dreams completely unrelated to any of the things going on right now. Honestly though - I am so numb, it's really, really weird. It's like I'm in one of those downtown city scenes and everything around me is moving so fast it's blurry, and I'm standing there in slow-motion. So weird.

That interview for the second job I had went really well, and they called my current job yesterday and were given a great report. It isn't a long-term job opportunity for me, as I don't want it to be one, but really - it would give me a lot more financial flexibility right now. I have to figure out though if it's worth the time.

I have really great friends.



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Wednesday, February 08, 2006
 
Quick update

I've finally gotten to speak with someone close to him who was out of town.

Apparantly this is a pattern for him, and apparantly this is not unusual in the least.

So, I'm dropping this. Completely. Not sad, not mad, just done.

And yeah - I didn't watch anything on tv - I took a bigass nap. Yay for laziness!!



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Tunnel, Light

This always makes me feel much better:





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I was that and now I'm this

I didn't expect the sadness today. I really, really didn't. Usually if I have a long period of sadness, once I find resolution I feel relieved... not like this.

His Valentine's card sits here. "You and me" its tiny letters read. "Me and you". That was "our phrase" and the perfect card, now it makes me want to scream.

Not true! You liar! How you can tell me one day that you cant wait for June 12th (your birthday and the day you picked for us to cohabitate) and then a mere 2 days later start blowing me off?

How can you turn that around on me?

How can you actually make me feel BAD that I still hadn't finished your Christmas gift, when I spent that time with you instead, and because it was such a gift from the heart I wanted it to be PERFECT? AND you hadn't finished mine yet. ANNNNND - every time we had a blowout, I think it's fair to assume I had no desire to even look at it let alone complete it...

How DARE you even answer the phone yesterday and THEN tell me to call "whenever I'd like" and try to tell me that we are "very much ok" when we so completely aren't?

And how dare YOU bring up all of the long term things, start picking out ideas for our wedding, and pick out a date for us to move in together AND STILL DISCUSS THIS STUFF when it's very clear that you are in no way ready for anything remotely involving these things, ESPECIALLY with me?

Dammit.

I told myself I would never feel like this again.

You don't deserve me. I sure as hell didn't deserve you.



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Down with the Sickness

So today, my stomach is in complete and total knots, which would stand to reason. My head feels much clearer though, so that's a huge plus. My heart is a little sore, but no permanent damage. I can't keep any food/liquid to remain in my stomach though, so I've sent an email to those who give me work to do to request that I get to stay in my pajamas all day.

There will be Sex & the City, slippers, and hopefully I'll actually take care of my cell phone issue today.

Also, there's a new drive in my brain to live in Chicago - not anywhere near the a-hole, but because there is so much to do, so many opportunities, and cute boys aplenty. There's that chance that a big city could be really, really good for me.

I'm also currently reconsidering Milwaukee. Who knows. Because honestly, while the people in this town are my friends too (I've also known them since high school), I was reconnected with them through a certain someone...

See what you boys do? Making a girl THINK when she's sick. hehhh



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One last thing

I failed to mention that my dumbass called him back last night.

I had something for work I had to make a reservation for, and giving him the benefit of the doubt, the option of going. He made a stink about it when I almost tried to uninvite him before, so I wanted to be the "nice guy".

I not only got his voicemail (surprise!), but he never called back.

In my best Rachel voice, "We are sooooooooo over."

This is COMPLETELY fishy (screening my calls, not calling back, only calling at certain times), horribly rude when you KNEW I would call back, and utterly disrespectful. Honestly, this reeks of someone else times a million, and if for no other reason that even that... BUH BYE.

I'm out.

So, I'm not calling him back. I think I should break up with him via email , and mention since he's bailing on my calls that he'll get the email eventually. Honestly, that's still probably nicer than he afforded me.

No, screw that. He didn't want to talk to me, he doesn't answer his phone. I don't want to talk to him, ditto. Childish yes, but at this point, I cant possibly stoop lower than him.



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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
 
To liven things up in this pity party

A joke sent from my father (who incidently knows nothing of recent matters):


WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says

[hehhhh!!]




"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."



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Also, in fairness

I think my best plan of action on this is to:
  1. Call him tonight, see if there is anything I can actually help him with, and tell him I'll talk to him in a few days. Then, I know the situation, I don't worry, and all is fine.
  2. Not be too pissed at him. Yeah, this is bogus and I didn't deserve the snubbing OR the voice-raising, but he may be having a hell of a time right now. This can be brought up at a later date, no need to fuel the fire right now.
  3. Not let this go, but also not let this ruin my life either. In a sense I did overreact, but in a lot of senses no way in hell was I out of line. We're still pretty early in the relationship, and we don't know how the other operates. If this is his style, we need to find a compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise, then we'll go from there.
  4. Not to talk shit about him. I've never been hating on him or totally pissed directly at him, just at the way he made me feel and the way he'd handled himself. Yes, it's fucking weird if you blow me off. Yes, I have every right to get concerned if you blow me off. No, I won't continuously bug you, but just tell me. That isn't asking for too much.
  5. Reacting defensively and then aggressively back at me is not ok. I do and will expect an apology of some sort.
So yeah - there's where I'm at. I'm dropping the topic now, as I don't want it to come across as bashing him when I'm not. I just have to figure out exactly what I want from this. Thanks all for your input - it helped loads.



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So yeah, I called

Here's what I got from the conversation:
  • He's super raging busy - everything is "ok", but he's got a shitload on his plate [I knew this and I'm in the same boat -- he's got a lot of major life-changing decisions/work going on, and I know that, but still...]
  • He doesn't know when to call me because he can't call the house at night and I'm at work all day [fair enough, but still- try]
  • His internet access has been down [highly possible if he couldn't pay the bill]
  • He doesn't "need this right now" in that he has a shitload going on and he doesn't need me to be coming at him about our relationship when he thought everything was fine.
  • He and I aren't high on his priority list right now.
  • He thinks I'm even more neurotic (he actually asked if I was being neurotic), and when I started crying a little, he said in an oh-so-sweet voice "Are you crying??"
  • He's been waiting for me to call him.
  • He did, in fact, blow me off last week because of aforementioned shitloads to do.
  • That "only a couple days of not talking isn't like it's been a month, damn girl".
  • That I was the one shooting a weird vibe, not him.
  • Did I mention how he doesn't have time for this right now?
  • That he shouldn't have to tell me when he's really fucking busy, since I already knew.
  • Oh, and he raised his voice. AT ME. And I wasn't being irrational, I was concerned.

So yeah - very little accomplished.

Basically it's like this: humor me and tell me we're fine. I'm not overreacting, I'm telling you it's weird that you don't call. All you had to do is call and say "I'm really busy, this week will be nuts, I can't talk right now, but we'll talk soon."

That's it.

I told him I'd call him later, and he said that would be fine. Later I don't know what I'm going to say to him, but if he comes off like this, then I think it is fair of me to leave him alone for awhile.

If I did anything with that call, I just really pissed him off and he pissed me off. Good times.



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Early Bird catches the Worm

This morning I have an interview for a second job. It's just a receptionist job, so no big bucks yet, but it just may give me the option of this apartment. It would work with my existing schedule, would only put me at about 55 hours of working a week (which isn't that bad - I've done way worse). I'd be off by 8:30 M-Th, 6 on Friday, and while I'd have to work 7:30 am-4:30 on Saturdays, that would still leave me the rest of Saturday and all of Sunday completely free.

I'm going to wow them, and then come home and figure out if it really would work.

Think happy thoughts! :)



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Monday, February 06, 2006
 
Dear (quite patient and infinately wise) internet -

My name is Angie, and apparantly today I'm a huge drama queen.

I'm sorry - I'll be all tough bitch tomorrow.

(Still no resolution, but I'm feeling less like my sky is caving in...)


In the meantime, let's blame the new birth control pills, shall we?

Angie



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For the record, then I'll shut up

Just so ya'll know, I do love him dearly. I've been in love before, but this time, I loved him without even trying. No, I dont want to lose him or end this, but I also want someone who is willing to "sacrifice" 5 minutes of their day to tell me they miss me or love me or to see how my day was.

That's all I ask - make the effort, and just let me know that you think about me half as much as I think about you. I don't ask a lot, and I don't need a lot. Just give me the same courtesy I give you.

But yeah - there's a huge buncha love,



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Emotional Review

You know, I said I had no emotions about this, but I was wrong - I do.

I'm PISSED.

You know I went through this before, and you swore you'd never make me feel this way.
You know that my patience is not what it used to be - I've been burned and burned and before I met you decided I'd had enough and made a person point to REFUSE the bullshit.
You may be busy, or tired, or just thinking since I won't call you anymore that it means I'm too busy, but screw that - I'm just not doing all the work anymore.

I doubt there is a lot of crying about this left in me. You really need to step up or step off. I'm one of those women who is absolutely fine being single and independent and absolutely loathes being tied to something that makes her feel less than steller.

I said I vented too much here, but you know what, I can do that. I'm certain there are a lot of you who have gone through this shit before just like this, and so you know how it feels so very good just to LET IT ALL OUT.

Many of you may be thinking "What's all the hub bub? She's busy, he's busy, and she's freaking out because he doesn't call..." Honestly, that's a pretty fair assessment. The thing is, though, is that up until about a week ago, he called. He'd tell me he missed me. He'd tell me he loved me. He'd send me emails when he got in really late to see if I was still awake and to have me call him. He returned my calls. He actually ANSWERED my calls. All of a sudden, it shifted.

HARD.

We rarely, if ever, talk more than 5-10 minutes. Not even daily anymore. He doesn't answer my calls - if he calls back at all, it's quick and while he's doing something else... (he only works once a week, so he's got plenty of time). He goes out every night, so he has time to call but just doesn't.

Oh, and I called yesterday at like 11:00 am, and he didn't answer. He called back like 5 minutes later, sounded like he was still sleeping (which isn't unusual), but said "Are you ok? Did you need something?" like I called out of the blue. Then, he never called back. No email, no call, NOTHING. He was going to do the Superbowl thing yesterday, but still - call on your way out... something.

I know. See - fishy, huh?

THAT'S why this is a big deal. Suddenly I'm doing ALL of it, and there's been little to no response. We used to have marathon phone calls a good portion of the time. He'd actually call me because he missed me or just to say hi. He was sweet and caring and loving. Yeah well, not in over a week. He hasn't said he loves me or misses me in over a week. That's something brand new.

I don't think it's cheating, because he's really not that type of guy, but I swear to god, if I didn't know him better, this is TEXTBOOK cheating symptoms. Seriously - everything about this has the stank of another woman, but I've known him for a long, long time and if that's what's this is it is a total surprise to me. Besides, everyone down there who he hangs out with KNOWS me, ADORES me, and actually asks when I'll be back or where I am when I'm not there.

So yeah, WTF? Last weekend, we had an outs and you told me you were "so sorry" and that you loved me and didn't want to lose me. You told me you were so lucky and I was so patient and blah blah blah and then you go and test my patience.

Silly boy. Not only have you made me vent numerous times on my website, but you've made me actually spend energy that I don't have on something like this, AND you brought up Valentine's Day in a phone conversation last week like you had every intention of treating me special.

Kiss it, jackass. Really.

I love you but I really don't need this. I won't vent about it again, but step up or step out.

Period.

I would LOVE and appreciate public opinion on this. if I'm overreacting, please tell me, but if I'm not, tell me that too.



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The "Real" Thing

I say this with little emotion, as I've had about a week to stew on it, but not calling me at all on a Sunday when I haven't seen you in a week is not okay. Calling on a Saturday on your way home from the grocery store and only using that time to talk to me, while you had the rest of the day at your disposal is not okay. Rarely returning my emails, and not making any effort whatsoever - not okay.

I have a strong feeling I am going to be (self-inflicted) single again by this weekend, and with every day that passes the more confident I am that this is the right decision.

I didn't date you because I needed to. I dated you because I wanted to. I've never needed you, as you sort of just fell into my lap. Things that aren't planned are the easiest to discard when they turn on you and become more harm than good.

I feel like I've given you more chances than I give most. 2 separate times I almost walked out of your life when you made me feel less than human, and I stayed because I knew it wasn't you talking. Those 2 times were 2 of the hardest of my life, and I didn't regret staying once we had thrown a patch over the hole.

I think I regret it now.

3 strikes baby. 3 strikes.

You've had your chances to "make it up to me" as you keep promsing and keep promising. Pushing me out of your life, and/or not showing me at least the common courtesy to, I don't know, CALL ME on your days off (which is pretty much every day) especially when this is only the second weekend since we've started dating that we haven't spent together, is the LEAST you can do.

I just think I deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

You've always tried to give me what I need, and I was satisfied with the effort. When you stop trying, and my needs fall to the wayside, my priorities shift and I lose interest.

Consider interest lost.

I love you way more than you know, but I love me more. I expect this to either be fixed today, or I'm out. I don't deserve this, ESPECIALLY not from you. And frankly, I don't need this.

In the heat of it once, you told me not to walk out on you in the middle of the night. I guess it's easier for you if I don't really have to walk out at all - just end this from here.

Your window is almost closed, and once it's shut, I don't open it again. Make a decision. I won't be waiting.



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Home Sweet Home

Wish me some good apartment karma, peeps. This place is HUGE - it's the entire downstairs of a huge house. I can ideally afford the monthly payments, but I gotta come up with a security deposit in the next 3 weeks. Like a grand.

It's beautiful though - you would love it. Like love love it.

If you've got good juju to spare, please please send it thissa way. I could totally use it.

Thanks all - you know I loves yah.



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Sunday, February 05, 2006
 
Now you see it...

There were posts here that I pulled.

I'm venting a little too much, and I hate coming off like that.

I guess this is my only outlet, but you peeps don't need that shit either.

No worries.



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Saturday, February 04, 2006
 
Dear Internet -

I am pimping myself out, officially.

I found a fantastic apartment, which is slightly outside my scope of finances, but I think I'm going to get it anyway... so here's where you come in:

I've made a decision about actually pursuing this freelance/contract thing as an actual career choice instead of a filler choice. In the coming week, my portfolio page will be back up and running, so anyone who knows anyone who has any projects they need done, send them to me. I will also be doing some redesigns/headers again for people (and blueshoe!) in order to give back to all of ya'll and do what I love.

So - if you know anyone who needs some design work done, send em my way. If it's something I don't know how to do, I'm a quick learn. This big ol' internet is the best way to network, and hell if I'm not going to take advantage of it.

Thanks, ya'll.



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Friday, February 03, 2006
 
Men!

Something's up.

I don't know what it is, but something in my belly just isn't right - and my belly isn't wrong very often at all.

dammit.



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Blogging! From work! 2 posts in one day!

So yeah - I need to vent. I'm completely and totally annoyed at a certain Boy because I guess I just wish he'd be a little more excited to talk to me. I mean, the few times this week I've called, when he's actually ASKED me to call (timewise I mean), he's suddenly unable to talk. And then when I call at night hoping for at least a conversation over 10 minutes long to catch up, he's either at the bar or headed to the bar.

Yeah - deja vu completely.

Don't get me wrong - he's WONDERFUL.

But I'm one of those people who had a really hard time when someone that important to me doesn't warrant me the same sort of flexibility I warrant them. I mean, you can just not go to the bar, right? Or actually be late? OH NO. LATE TO GET TANKED.

Sorry - that was unnecessary. I've just dating hard core drunks before, so any sort of repetitive drinking makes me all bitter from the exes.

See - I guess I just feel like I'd rearrange my day a little if it meant I'd actually get to talk to him. My intuition is acting up too - and it's usually right - so we'll see what THAT'S about...

But yeah - blogging from work. woot! heh.

Bored. out. of. my. skull.

Hoping these proofs come back from the newspaper so I don't have to come in so early on Monday. But see, that would require them to do one iota of work. Especially since we basically do all the work for them...



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Freakshow Friday

You know you are under a wee bit of stress when you have dreams that this chick won American Idol. And she didn't just win, she SWEPT it.

The job hunt is going a huge bit of nowhere. It's looking more and more like I should scrap the idea of finding an apartment here, and focus on finding one in Chicago. So far, the only thing that's kept me from more than one of the great jobs I've applied to down there is that they are a little wary of me commuting... even though I'm totally willing to. Unfortunately this has come out in some drunken conversations that the Boy is a little fearful of me living down there. Fantastic. Because THAT'S what I need right now - a boy getting nerves on me when I'm just trying to get my own apartment and a damn job.

Anyway.

Is it just me, or is Ashley Parker Angel (Is that his damn name?) a gigantic puss. I mean, seriously. DUDE. You keep referring to your album as "the amazing album". Meh. Your stuff is a'ight, I'll give you that, but amazing? Not so much. And you are totally pissing me off. First off, if your new sensitive haircut is so elegantly feathered straight out of bed, you should be shot. Secondly, THE NEW SENSITIVE HAIRCUT!



What gives, bro? You want us to take you seriously, but then you go and do that to your head.

And you being a drama queen? Sweet Jesus, don't make me slap you.



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