Monday, June 30, 2008
 
Undergarmet Situation: Code Red

It's true. Yes, I've lost a bunch of weight. I'm about as thin now as I was late in high school (right before I ballooned up again). It's the result of a couple nasty sicknesses (which started the initial weight dropping) and then me busting my ass and changing the way I eat. I'm not egotistical about it, it's just happened and it fits well with my new active lifestyle.

What doesn't fit? Most things I own.

My pants have been running big for a few months. Certain things I haven't been able to wear because they fall off (literally!). I have a closet of things to get rid of because they frankly just don't fit anymore. Shirts are becoming baggy when they used to be tight. Clothes that I bought to accentuate the positives are, well, droopy.

That's right internet. Situation has gone from "holy tits" to Kirsten Dunst.

It's not like I can do anything about it, really. It's the first place I gain and the first I lose. (This time though I have some extra skin so they are hanging further south than they should - looks like no more freedom for these girls!) Unfortunately now, I have 1 bra that fits. ONE. I didn't realize until this morning how even the bras I was saving in case of emergency (they were too small) are really not going to work now either. All of this while trying to woo a boy. Oops.

So. Monday after work (he returns Tuesday) looks like someone is going to blow off running and spend the afternoon replacing an entire arsenal of underwear. Thank god this weekend I unearthed Victoria Secret gift cards with a good chunk of change left on them. Looks like I'm going to get me sumpin' FANCY.



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Sunday, June 29, 2008
 
Standing corrected

It was brought to my attention by my sister that:

a: I was using the "we are so very different" thing as an attempt on my part to try to stop the feelins [true]
b: That just because he is different from the types of men I usually date (and then usually want to maim and then stop dating) that does not make him "different from me" [true]

She's right, actually. There are a lot of things about he and I that are very similar, even though we are different enough to make it interesting. I guess that's the defensive part of me trying hard as hell to keep myself from getting hurt (again). Unfortunately that part isn't conversing with the rest of me, because that defense mechanism is standing alone in the field. The rest of me is running to this completely optimistic.

Also - WTF is it with me trying to race around and get all this stuff done while he's out of town? Is it that my brain knows once he's back I will have no time to do it? Sheesh!



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Saturday, June 28, 2008
 
And this is the part where my insides fell out

Ok, really. It's official. I'm really getting to like this boy. I don't know how, but he's damn near completely infiltrated my brain, and all I can think about is how good it is right now.

Awww hell.

Sure, I know I referred to myself as a princess first (hello long frilly skirt and great shell top!) but texting me the night before your vaca calling me Princess has really cracked my heart in two.

Smoosh.



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Friday, June 27, 2008
 
One for the Road

So. I think I'm headed into the beginnings of 'Relationship Territory', which is really freaking me the fuck out. I like this guy (I think) and things seem to be going well, but it's developing that whole 'couply' feel (in fairness - that's half my fault) and it's really tough for me to process.

Especially because in a ton of ways he is nothing like me. Not any of the important stuff that I know about yet, but oh. em. gee. we are really different. Secondly he's got some things about his personality that while I've got tagged for things that will make me strangle him, if we can keep them under wraps then we're good. (I'd never ask anyone to change for me, but these are things he does that will make the world perceive him as something he's totally not - in a bad way).

But yeah. ftw. Thank god he's gone for a week so I can step back and process. I will say this, though - there's really something to feeling like you're just a really incredible gal, not because he told you but because he's SHOWING you.

gah. The cheese.



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Tuesday, June 10, 2008
 
Things.

Well, first of all, boy update. Things are moving, well, slowly, but that's not always a bad thing. Turns out we are much more alike than I had thought. Still no date, but the weather is to blame. We've had a lot of conversation in the meantime and I tell you what, I'm hooked. It's funny - I find myself saying "I really like this one" a lot lately, about all the boys I date. This one though, this one I'm handling very carefully. Unlike the others, there's something about this one that I don't want to mess up. It's not that way this time, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. This one could go somewhere if the not-in-person personality is anything like the in-person, and that frightens me. Me. The girl who really wanted to date a lot of cute boys and make out in Landmark (*cough*) and get my date on long before I even thought of settling down. I never was a huge dater, and as hard and annoying and a gigantic pain in the ass this all is, I really am figuring out a lot of what I want. I dunno though - of the ones this year, this one seems to be sticking a lot better. Thankfully, I've got a very goodlooking back-up plan as of this afternoon should this go awry or fizzle out.

Secondly, with the exception of yesterday's extreme hormone imbalance (thank you bc pills), I've honestly not been this happy in a long time. Granted, I'm way less productive around the house than I'd like, but I can't even begin to explain the complete contentment that is my head lately. Really, running, you are a wonder drug.

Lastly, to he who has popped back up. I don't know if you read here anymore. You did, twice, in my past - once before us and once right as "us" came to a close. You're welcome to be here, I guess. I can't imagine why you'd care, but hey, this is a public place and really I don't care enough to stop you or block you. However. I have to tell you that if your recent message was due to the reason I think it was, then I am really, really proud of you. I hope you didn't actually have to hit rock bottom to get there, but I've known this was coming for a long time - you just had to do it yourself. If this makes no sense to you, then I was wrong in my interpretation and you can go ahead as if I never said anything. But either way, if it is and you are, fugly is headbanging like a mofo somewhere right now.



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Saturday, June 07, 2008
 
Two things of note:

1. The ex that's showed up in my past few posts? He's messaged me after three and a half years. That's so weird, I just can't even process it. No residual bad feelings whatsoever, but definately not something I'd even consider for a second again either. So. weird.

2. IMing with a cute boy (although he is very different from me in a lot of ways) is not only fun, but really fantastic as well. We have 1, possibly 2 dates slated this weekend. We'll see how it goes - I think this one's a nice one. Not at all the 'bad boys' I usually date. Here's to not sabatoging it completely!



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Friday, June 06, 2008
 
Here's to hopin'

I'd really like to think that maybe, just maybe, since you tend to use a lot of exclamation points (one at a time - thank god) in your emails to me, that it's just because you are really outgoing and not at all like Alec Baldwin's character on Friends.



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Thursday, June 05, 2008
 
Dammit

Insert shit-eating grin here.

I've been trying to turn this crush off, but I can't. Stop being so cute already, really.



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More cowbell for sure

It looks like last night's pity party left nearly as soon as it started. Emailing back and forth with cute boys tends to right little imbalances in mood.

Really though - cute. heh



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Wednesday, June 04, 2008
 
WTF, internet.

You know, I know how it started. In checking out my page views (in an attempt to thwart possible suitors from finding me), I noticed that there are a couple/few of you who are religiously reading my archives. That is actually fine. Note: I'll come across pretty bitchy/whiny/non-intelligent but this is a venting place, not a place for my novel.

However, I noticed that one stretch of time read today was during a really rough patch in my life. The BreakUp of 2004. The one person I ever lived with, I ever loved, and ever had anything last with over, well, 6-8 months.

This discovery had me rereading those bits.

I don't know how or why it happened, but the overwhelming feeling of sheer loneliness has crept in and I can't shake it. I don't miss him, I don't really miss 'it'. I guess what I miss is having that other person there to talk about our days and go to movies and just be around. I don't want a relationship right now - fuck no. I don't have time for all of that drama business. But I crave that interaction. I miss it, and I guess I didn't realize to what extent I long for it until I looked back when I lost it. I've dated since then. I've had boyfriends and conversations and all of that, but I don't now, and I can feel it. All of a sudden it's as a bit of me went missing, and I can't even begin to think of where to start the search.

So yeah - a bit of a meloncholy spin on an otherwise awesome night. Volleyball - we're 2-0. woo.



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Tuesday, June 03, 2008
 
Dude, seriously.

I sent you an email to pretty much give you a written high-five for something that caused such a fit of laughter there were tears, but that I was not interested in anything else. Emailing me back to challenge that is really lame, and your persistance will only make you less interesting.

Sometime people just need to be thanked for making my day. Don't make this non-issue an issue.

Sheesh.



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Sunday, June 01, 2008
 
Vincent! Every time I loved something I called it Vincent -- I called my first computer Vincent!*

I bought some small hand weights today as I realized (and it's been suggested) that instead of running every day like a maniac and nothing else, that I integrate weight and resistance training into my days (and perhaps some cardio) to round out my routine. I have resistance bands but haven't used them in awhile (these will be good for the abs) and with the new hand weights I thought I was good to go.

Turns out, and I'm not even a little surprised, that I completely underestimated the actual weight versus resistance weight.

See, I'm fairly strong - I was a truck loader at UPS for about a year and I bulked up then and kept a lot of it on, although the outside had gotten soft. So I figured "Weights, schmeights. 3 pounds is for sallys. I'll go full-bitch 5."

Holy. crap.

5 lbs at 1 rep of 10 is RIDICULOUS. I mean, it's not "It'll tone me up all nice" tough, it's "Dude. Is that a chick or a guy?" tough.

Wow. I'm less of a badass than I had estimated and that makes me well up a bit.

*Also - name it and make me love you even more.



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