Saturday, July 26, 2008
 
Bitchin and beachin

It's no secret that I LOATHE my cell phone. It's cute and sassy and the interface is so fuXXored that I can actually hit a button, get up and grab something, come back and STILL WAIT. The carrier's response? "Maybe just hard reset it by taking the battery out."

So ya'll know, to make the thing usable I have to do this at least twice a day.

However, I have good news. Apparantly this paperweight of a thing is upgradable (hello new every two!) at the end of October. I can seriously suffer my ass off to wait for this. In fact, as I'm grandfathered in (I've been with this carrier for yeaaaaars), I get a whole whopping hundred bucks toward my next phone, and last time with the internet rebates, it made this one free. So here's to spending a little to get something FANCY.

On a totally separate note - I may be having my first beer hangover ever (mild but still) from Pabst. Last night was a trip. Thank god today I get to go sit on the beach and cook it all away.



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Thursday, July 24, 2008
 
The Hilarity Continues

I love checking my email, because despite getting 4 bazillion spams, a choice few have subjects that nearly make me pee my pants. Here's todays bit:
  • Children Admit To Being Little Shits. Video
  • John Mccain "I Promise To Invade Your Vaginas."
  • [video] Mccain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists
  • And Now We Return To The Subject Of Jennifer Anistons Breasts
  • the comments I get about my nights with women are amazing, people think im wizard!
  • John Mccain Kicks Lilly Ledbetter In The Crotch



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Tuesday, July 22, 2008
 
Halvsies

You know, I'm too independent for my own good. I prefer to do a lot of things myself not because I do them better but because I can. But being one half without the other sometimes, many times, makes me tired.

I'm so tired of dating already. So much effort on my part and so little on theirs. I really am not cut out for it, but that's what you have to do, I suppose.

There is one who is a very casual non-boyfriend. Someone I can text and IM and have a lot of fun with. But as much as those are really the only things I want right now from anyone - appreciation and someone to curl up with as I sleep - at the end, well, beginning of the day it isn't always enough. And in my brain, even though I know that this person is not someone I'll fall for, it's hard not to fall into the same old routine of almost wishing he'd fall for me.

I guess, then, the trouble isn't the dating. It's the other halves involved. I keep choosing differently, but they all end up being exactly the same - not interested in any effort whatsover. It's this lack of effort that makes me so. very. tired.



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Sunday, July 20, 2008
 
Milestones

Internet, I have something to tell you, and while it may sound like a simple, non-monumental event it's a huge, huge one in my life:

I am now the proud owner (and wearer) of a string bikini.

All of my adult life I've struggled with my weight. Freshman year I was anorexic, and by the second half of senior year (after being slim the first half) I had put on a bit of weight. I was never, heavy, really. I mean, I was close, but I never weighed more than the 150s or so, which is a bit thick for my 5'7" frame. I carried it heavily. I've always had junk in my trunk, thick thighs and jiggly arms. My midsection has always been problematic.

Which gets me here. I'm not my ideal weight, but in fairness with my horribly distorted body image (thank you anorexia) I never, never use my appearance as a judge of my actual size. I can tell I have lost weight, both visually and by the fact that most of my clothes are almost unwearable.

Today though. Today was like winning the lottery.

I bought the suit yesterday in the midst of a massive spending spree brought on my fed-up-ness and buying things to aid in my newest extension of girlification. I like it, but thought I would get it home and immediately return it. I mean, I've owned two-piece suits before, but they always had boy shorts or a tankini to cover the things I needed to cover.

This one. This one covers only the girl bits, both top and bottom. The rest of my flesh is exposed to the masses, to be criticized and scrutinized by everyone else in eyeshot. That was never my worry though - I was always my own worst critic.

I put on the suit as I was sorting through the "returnsies" and "keepsies". I put on the suit and turned around and well, stopped breathing. It wasn't hideous. I. wasn't. hideous. Sure, I'm not as lean as I could be but when the fuck did this happen? When did my body decide to actually do me a favor and let me participate in one of the few things my self image would never allow me to do - wear something like this.

Ya'll need to know - this isn't me being all "look at me woo woo". Completely the opposite. Today is such a incredible thing for me, and really, only me, that I had to put it out there to make it actually seem real. This is a huge internal victory, ya'll, and I can't begin to tell you how much I fucking love today.



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Tuesday, July 15, 2008
 
Mysteries Unravelling

I don't know what it is, but I've always been able to shut it off. Not smoothly, necessarily, but I always hit this wall where it's no longer the matter of if, but when.

I guess, I lack patience. I know this about me. I have hang-ups and issues with men in my life not calling. They never call. When they do, it's never enough.

He's pulling the same crap they all do, and I've found my armor again. I feel completely invincible. I know that I'm an incredible girl who should have someone who not only embraces my 'isms', but shows me the importance of 'us'. Not someone who calls only here and there, doesn't make time for me, and really is in no hurry to get to know me better. I deserve someone who can't wait to talk to me.

I deserve someone who doesn't take me for granted. I deserve someone who knows that while I'm ruthlessly independent, I long to hear their voice before I fall asleep.

It could be very valid reasons this time. He could be busy (we're at 3 days with not so much as a peep). He could be dating other people. Something could've come up. A million and one reasons I fall asleep lonely. A million and one reasons why as much as this works for me, there are bits to it that dont.

I wish it were different this time. I really wish I didn't have to reconstruct my shell, but I do. I feel myself falling faster and faster but falling alone. I hate that part about me. I've become such a cynic that I don't like the butterflies anymore. I've become so jaded that the beginnings of a relationship, the 'best part' is the part I dread the most. It's the part where I hurt the most, and this time it has/had the chance to be different. He's at the beginning stages of full force blowing me off, and it's really, really apparant.

I haven't washed my hands of this just yet - it's too soon for that. But this. This way it is... I really don't know if this is the way it should be, at least not for me. Even if it's completely legit in my head it feels the same way even though it may not be. In my head, that's where it matters.

Don't chalk this up to overreaction. Chalk this one up to self-preservation.




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Saturday, July 12, 2008
 
oy!

I just realized why my brain has been such a clustersuck this week. I've been too busy/too lame to run. I swear it's like snaking the pipes, and when I don't run, it gets all gummed up with more shit than it can handle.

I tell you what - even that short run today has made me feel much better. Looks like I'm going back out tonight and getting a handle on this brainsquish.



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The Bat-shit Crazies

Internet, I have a confession to make, and it embarrasses and horrifies me, but I'm working on it. The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster ride filled with thrills (aww! he DOES like me!) and chills (whatever. He's not worth it.).

I HATE that I can get like this, and usually I don't. Nine times out of ten I get a little over-analytical, but I either distract myself with other things or just give to whatever it is. This time though - I'm overthinking the shit out of this. Yes, I know that's going to kill it, and yes, I know that makes me sound like a superfreak. I'm really not though - really. It's just fear bubbling up in the form of the Krakan and I can't seem to get Medusa to stand still.

In all honesty it's just me falling for someone that I wasn't expecting, when I wasn't expecting, and it's terrifying and awful and I panic (internally) all the time that this could derail any second. This only, only, only happens when I'm really in deep, and this time, it's DEEP.

I'm not looking for ya'll to tell me how I'm creating my own destiny here - I know. He isn't aware that I'm freaking out to a coworker, my best friend, my sister and my mom every 4.2 seconds, but part of me is. And that part of me needs to be grounded and sent to her room.

I am working on it though, because really - if it is, it is. If it isn't, then it really just isn't, and there's not a damn thing I can do to make it an 'is'.

But yeah - he's freaking wonderful.



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Thursday, July 03, 2008
 
Movie Spam

These are actual subjects from my spam email load today. I kid you not.

Good Will Humping (my friend has that pr0n hehh)
Close Encounters of the Nude Kind
Legends of the Ball
Silence of the Loins
The Legend in Bagger's Pants

And my personal favorite:

My Best Friends Wetting



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Tuesday, July 01, 2008
 
To the person from the UK:

You got here by searching for "Ask Jeeves if Vin Diesel is gay"

The answer is, of course, yes.

Now tell that lazy Jeeves mofo to not make asking questions so damn hard.



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