Monday, October 19, 2009
 
OHY GUYS.

Did I tell you that I joined a gym? And I actually go?

Did I mention that this year I ran my first 5K? And another in a couple weeks?

What about when I went to Portland and Seattle, or the time we tailgated the Star Trek movie, or the one about me finding my best friend from high school and reigniting our fantastic friendship.

Oh, I didn't?

See what happens when I slack off? Well - I'll remedy that for sure. No more of this woe is me shit - I mean it. I healed from this one very quickly (2 days!) and now it's onward and upward.



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Sunday, October 11, 2009
 
Things that scare the shit out of me
  • Clowns
  • Horror movies
  • Missed periods (in general, not recently)
  • Dolls - china, bisque etc.
  • Growing old without someone to drink whiskey with and sometimes have really dirty sex with, who also gave me babies and a lot of patience
Seriously. WTF universe? I mean, I do absolutely fine on my own and I've never, ever been one of those girls to need a boyfriend. And really, all the 'milestones' I'll do alone if I have to, but the thought of NEVER actually settling down puts the fear deep in me. I'm so not rushing, but where the hell is someone I can actually go long term with? SHEESH. Don't MAKE me come up there, universe. You are starting to get me all punchy.



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Saturday, October 10, 2009
 
Stranger than non-fiction.

Things I feel bad about:
  • Letting myself be unhappy for that long
  • Fooling myself into believing I could pretend it away
  • Falling (pretty much) in love with someone who was not right for me
  • Knowing awhile that it was only a matter of time, and not telling him
  • Hurting his feelings even though he hurt mine many times

Things I don't feel bad about:
  • Feeling like I have my life back
  • Being excited for this winter that I've been dreading for months
  • Spending part of the day every day doing something that makes me happy
  • Taking a stand and ending it before it got really bad
  • Sharing responsibility for a breakup that was, in fact, based on his actions and his alone
  • Asking for my key back when he'd only had it less than two weeks
  • Starting my life again
  • Hurting his feelings as he'd hurt mine many times



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Monday, October 05, 2009
 
I never thought I'd say this

But that new show Community makes me want to go back to college.

For the record, I have attended 3 different colleges, earned 2 different degrees, and have spent not only about 7-8 years as a college student, but I am now about 55k in the hole.

Yet another great idea.



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Saturday, October 03, 2009
 
The more things change the more they stay the same

I ended it. Well, mostly. He wants me to take some time to make sure I really want to do this.

We sobbed. I apologized. He begged, pleaded. Today I hurt more than I've hurt in a long time, but I know the path. I had to have a big hurt to lead to happy instead of slowly hurting worse and worse.

I ended it to save myself.

I am not a fighter. I am not a teacher. I am not void of feeling.

I feel this. It cuts down to my core and turns and twists with knives and fists. This hurt me. It hurt me to hurt him.

Part of me wishes I'd just carried on unhappy because then, at least, he'd still be around. I miss him already. A year of knowing him is hard and now not knowing him - it's harder than I imagined. The other part of me, the smart part, knows how this would've been bad for me and never would've worked.

Who knew - this thing so huge and wonderful and explosive would do this. Who knew that I would end up hurting him when I thought I would be with him forever?

My face is swollen, my body exhausted, my heart cold and dead. I had a rough night, but hopefully this huge hurt leads me back to happy.



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