Friday, December 04, 2009
So it goes

I am the lamest 'blogger' ever. I am so passive-aggressive about this place, that it's hard for me sometimes to just get it all out already without feeling like I'm yelling into a void. Don't get me wrong - as much as I'm glad all three of you visit, this is completely about me. I write here to chronicle the bullshit and the triumphs and the tragedies and the humdrum. I do this because as free as I speak to everyone about everything, there's a whole lot of shit I can't say. Unfortunately these days I've become a damn champion of bottling it all up and just. not. dealing.

Yes, I know. That's crap.

I vent and I vent but not to the people who I should be and not about the things that effect me the most. Why? I have no idea.

I fear success nearly as much as I fear failure, and either fear further scares me shitless. I allow myself this narrow path of morality and pure free will and neither gets me anywhere but posting the few words that dribble out onto this place.

I either have to shit or get off the pot, as my parents said. This place included. I want to be all 100% here. I want to wake up in the mornings before my full-time job (I have a part time and freelance as well) and type something witty and thought-provoking and so trite that people actually give a damn. Unfortunately, as much as I really appreciate all of you who I've read for the past 10 plus years (SERIOUSLY) and as much as I want to hug you all and have coffee with you and play with your kids/families/animals.... this is still just my shit. As much as I throw it all out there it isn't doing me any good anymore either. I need to shit or not - and I cant seem to figure out which is more beneficial....

Anyway - ignore my "I'll be back" crap. I have to get all the cobwebs out of the head before I can function here as anything worth a damn. I mean, shit - this place depresses even me.

I'm ok, for real. Just dealing with some inner demons that haven't poked their heads out in awhile. I'm really, really fine, just needing to say some things in actuality and not just duck and cover.

But really - the small handful of people who come here on purpose - you kids are the shit. I mean that. I've been in this place for 8 years officially, but elsewhere for longer than that, and anyone who can put up with me that long deserves some sort of medal. Really.